Showing posts with label Ginny Bates. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Ginny Bates. Show all posts

Friday, March 5, 2010

KUKRIS


Another dream where I woke up before resolution and I can't remember the main plot now. But two sets of symbols stand out.

One is that I had a study full of desks and worktables, but also with a spare bed in it. Every surface was cluttered, all the drawers were full, and I couldn't get around in it because I was definitely mobility impaired in this dream. (In some dreams I'm a crip, in some dreams I'm not.)

I was living with my family again. For some reason to do with the plot I can't remember, I needed to go around the house and gather up all the kukris that were stashed in various places. Kukris are curved knives indigenous to Nepal, used as tools and weapons, and when I was a child we had an assortment of leather-handled ones on our walls, a relic of our years in India.

In the dream, as in real life, the kukris ranged in size from massive to tiny pocket versions. All of them had dulled, rusting blades and dried-out leather. I needed to get them in good shape, and I began struggling to run hot water in the tub to soak them first. I was struck by the curve of the blade, and in the dream (a la Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters of the Third Kind), I realized the matching curves "meant something" -- but I can't remember that revelation now.

I needed a rasp and saddle soap to finish the rehabilitation of the knives, and I knew I had both somewhere in my study, but I despaired of being able to find it. Neverthless, as the water ran in the tub I laboriously made my way to the other end of the house, to my study, and began searching.

On the piled end table next to the spare bed, under magazines, I found two handguns, one a large gleaming Colt .45 revolver and the other a blue-black .32 automatic. I realized my parents must have slept in the room and left the guns behind. (Yes, my parents each routinely slept with a handgun until each of them died, it was a fact of life in our family,)

As I searched, I kept finding more pistols, but not the items I was looking for. I was feeling pressured by the water running at the other end of the house. I woke up then.

I know the knives as a symbol are connected to an online conversation I had yesterday, but the India connection is/must be significant. As is the presence of disability, my parents' guns...The clutter I think is a symbol from the conversation about writing that Jesse and I had right before I went to sleep. I began rereading Ginny Bates this week, and while I'm sucked back into that world, I'm a very different writer than I was 4 years ago and for the first time, I have a dim inkling of how it must be edited.

In Pya, I'm writing with the same technique -- character driven, character developed through conversation, family based in the midst of cultural revolution -- but I know now how to do it much more succinctly. It will be brutal to take a scalpel to the delicious conversations of Ginny Bates, but that is what is in my future. At some point. If I can find the rasp and saddle soap.

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Monday, February 8, 2010

TURNING IT OVER

Samuel Mordecai Turner, circa 1885, Montague County, Texas -- my mother's mother's father

I stayed up til 2:00 despite being very tired, but slept 8 hours. I didn't get done yesterday what I wanted, I got sucked into the genealogy hole, chasing a new approach to getting around an old family brick wall: The Turner/Smith lines.

My cousin Sally (mama's sister's daughter, four months older than me) has also done some genealogy and likewise finds this bunch interesting. She's a convert to Judaism and her theory is that the Turners emigrated from England to near Memphis in part because they were Jews. Family naming tradition and a few photographs make this idea plausible. A single frail record states our great-great-great- grandfather Joseph Turner was from England, and a couple of scanty census records plunk him in Fayette County, Tennessee in 1830 and 1840, where he had a son (Joseph Turner II) before apparently dying just as the 1850 census would have given us some real data on him.


Joseph Turner II married in 1841 to one of the more emotionally powerful women in my lineage, Matilda Clementine Smith. They had two sons before Joseph died, again before that magic 1850 revelation point. Matilda went on to remarry twice, have two more sons, migrate to new land in Arkansas, and establish herself as a solid property owner and community leader. She outlived three husbands and all but one of her sons, extremely rare for a woman in that place and time. She also never owned slaves in constructing her middle class security, again rare for the place and time.

Her sole surviving son, Thomas Joseph "Tom" Turner, married a doormat he bred into an early grave, came back from the CSA with a mean glint in his eye, and had trouble finding one of his many children willing to take him in during old age. He died penniless, but his son Samuel Mordecai Turner (my great-grandfather) was beloved in the community, married a brilliant and outgoing woman, and is part of the "good line" on mama's side.

For a couple of generations, all we knew was Tom Turner's name and his claim that his father had been born in England. Turner is a surname as common as Jones in the South, and it took me a very long time to find him as a fatherless child on the 1850 census, living with widowed young mother Matilda, her father Jabez Smith, and no doubt the next of Matilda's husbands already stopping by for dinner. Adding the surname of Smith to the mix didn't help one iota.

Fayette County, Tennessee is one county over from Memphis and borders Mississippi. It's Delta land, flat, saturated with extreme racial oppression, white class stratification, and not much civic wealth to go around. Records available from a distance were extremely scarce, and remain so even now with the internet because they weren't created in the first place except to document ownership of property.

So, in 1985, I included Fayette County on my family history research tour. It stands out in my memory for how shut down its white inhabitants were (generally, the more a rural place had once relied on slavery, the more hostile its white people were now, I discovered on that trip). I spent one day digging around before fleeing back to Memphis to sleep.

I went to the courthouse first, to find a marriage record for Joseph Turner and Matilda Smith. I was lucky that the courthouse had never been burned -- about half of all Southern courthouses were deliberately torched by Union troops during the civil war as part of community disruption and terrorism. The marriage records didn't begin until 1840, which is common for the South away from the Eastern seaboard: Southern genealogy holds piecemeal records for whites, much less for blacks and natives. But 1840 might be early enough to find Joseph and Matilda, I hoped. The register had never been indexed, so I began looking through the dusty, oversized pages one by one, standing at a corner counter, glared at by the Mary-Kay-aspiring white women who worked as clerks there.

No luck. I went on until 1860, tediously copying all the Smith and Turner marriages into my notebook, but with no hope they'd connect to my line. As I was closing the ledger, I noticed a couple of loose partial pages at the back which had fallen out of the binding. I pulled them out to look at them -- I am thorough -- and there it was: Mr. Joseph Turner to Miss Matilda C. Smith, October 21, 1841 The paper was crumbling but I made a gentle copy, told the clerk about the possible loss of precious data if the pages weren't cared for, and went outside into bright sunshine for an exultant break.

I decided to walk a block away, to an old grocery store within view, for a snack. What happened next is an incident I wrote about almost verbatim in Ginny Bates, an episode of revelatory racism that I failed to address to anything like my satisfaction. [Excerpted at the end of this post.]

When I eventually returned to the courthouse, my connection to my ancestors had been altered. I found no further solid records on my people that day -- they had been tenant farmers, owned nothing, their deaths were not registered, and in a decade everyone migrated westward into stolen Indian lands whose soil was not yet played out. What I got from Fayette County was the marriage scrap and a hint of black/white relations as they must have been when Joseph and Matilda lived there -- all in all, what I most needed to be given.

Thus yesterday, when I found a hint on how I might follow the Smiths despite inadequate records, I was off and running. I did manage to accumulate a fair amount on Matilda's cousins, but in the end this foundation was not a springboard further back. That's what usually happens in this kind of research, you leave nothing undone in retrieval and collating but the bigger mystery remains. So I still don't know where the Smiths came from, beyond "North Carolina", or why the Turners came from England to the Delta in 1830.

I think I have Sam Turner's eyes, though, and his love of community. I have Matilda Smith's perseverance, and if either of them are guiding my curiosity, maybe further glimmers will come my way. Today, however, I'll focus on the 21st century.

-----------------------------------------------------

Excerpt from Ginny Bates referred to above. Background: Myra is the main character loosely based on me, a working-class white lesbian. Her partner is Ginny Bates, a middle-class white Jew. Her best friend is Allie, a working-class black lesbian raised in the South. Myra and Allie have gone back to Mississippi to research Allie's ancestry with Myra's genealogical expertise. The location and events in this episode, however, are drawn entirely from my own experience in Fayette County, Tennessee, one county north of Mississippi.

Myra showed Allie the ropes, how things were organized: It was the same for every county in the South, seemed like. Allie wanted to begin with marriage records, which thankfully here had a bride as well as a groom index. But there were separate indexes for whites and "colored" prior to 1960. Allie's lips tightened again. Myra decided to take on the deeds, which tended to be tedious and full of bad handwriting to decipher.

It was peaceful in the basement. Full of lovely old paper and massive bound books, with light from an airwell at the side: Myra began to have fantasies of a study this sequestered and quiet. But, she noticed after using her inhaler a second time, it was also dusty and likely had a high degree of ambient mold.

"Al? I need to go up into the air, get something to drink, I think" she said.

"Is there a break room in the courthouse, you think?"

"Well, on the square near where we parked, by the corner, was a little grocery store -- looked like something from the fifties. I'll walk down there, you want to go with?"

"No. But bring me back some orange juice, and something to snack on" said Allie, her eyes glued to the index on the table in front of her.

Myra told the clerk on her way out "I'm going for a Co-Cola, back in a bit", noticing how she had pronounced the word. There was a cluster of cars near the tax assessor's office, and one in front of a discount store. Otherwise, the square was empty.

The grocery store had high stamped tin ceilings obscured in shadow. All of the dairy cases were behind thick glass doors. She got Allie's juice, then found a case containing chilled soft drinks in real glass bottles, including RC Cola in a bottle shape she hadn't seen in over a decade. She grabbed two.

The candy aisle, disappointingly, did not hold vintage favorites she had hoped for -- no little wax bottles full of colored liquid, or Blo-Pops. She got a bag of Tom's peanuts for herself, roasted cashews for Allie, and headed for the front.

There were only two registers, one empty and one with a teased-hair white woman at the register. Another customer was ahead of her, a frail-looking black man in faded slacks and neatly-pressed tan shirt, buttoned up to the collar and at the cuffs. His hair was a snowy frizz, and when looking at his skin, she instantly remembered the line from Zora Neale Hurston that Allie quoted often: "High yaller, yaller, high brown, vaseline brown, seal brown, low brown, dark brown". Myra would guess him to be seal brown.

He had just done his shopping for at least a week, maybe two weeks. It was the 30th: Just got his Social Security check, she bet. With trembling, knot-knuckled hands he was carefully lifting items from a wire cart to the counter -- no conveyor belts here. A 10-pound bag of white rice, big can of Crisco, smaller can of blackstrap molasses, bag of chicken necks and backs, 5-lb bag of Gold Medal, bottle of light Karo (If he's got a pecan tree, that's a pie, thought Myra), baking soda, can of Maxwell house, quart of sweet milk, two cans of evaporated milk, pound of bacon, box of Spic'n'Span...No veggies or eggs, which means he's got a little bit of land, thought Myra.

She had been standing respectfully back and had apparently not been noticed by the woman at the register. When the old man asked for a can of snuff, however, the woman changed position enough to see Myra.

"Here, now" she called out sharply. "You come on up here, I'll check you out first."

Myra began to protest as the woman shoved aside the old man's last few items, saying "Oh, no, I'm not in a hurry and he's almost done -- "

But the old man shrunk even smaller into his already shrunken frame and stepped back from the counter, pressed into the corner. He didn't look up. Myra froze in horror.

"Give me what you've got there" commanded the woman, her voice not at all friendly. Myra's eyes were on the old man, willing him to make contact with her, as she numbly complied, dropping her bottles onto the counter. The woman voided her register with the push of a button and began punching in Myra's prices.

"I'm sorry" Myra said to the old man. He didn't acknowledge her at all.

"He can wait" said the woman shortly. She took Myra's money, counted out change, and bagged her items in impatient silence. Myra said "thank you" to her and then to the old man, but only the woman responded, saying "You're very welcome" before picking back up the Crisco and starting his checkout again.

Out on the sidewalk, Myra fought the impulse to vomit. She tried to find a way to believe that what had just occurred wasn't what she thought it was. She pulled out one of her RC's, only to discover she needed a churchkey to open the top. Well, she wasn't going back into that store, that's for sure. Maybe the car glovebox would have something to open her bottle.

No luck with the glovebox, but she had a dim memory from her teenage beer-drinking years that led her to find a leverage spot inside the open car door, popping off the cap on the second try. She drank down to the shoulder of the bottle, poured the peanuts into the neck, and sat down inside the car, closing the door as a kind of shield against the square itself. She glanced back at the store: The old man wasn't visible yet.

When he emerged, she could idle up and offer to give him a ride home. But she suspected that would send him into complete panic. She wasn't sure what the rules were, so how to intelligently break them was beyond her. She couldn't believe this was 2004, that his instant subservience could be still happening. If he was in his 70s, then he had been born maybe around 1930 -- well, if he lived through the Depression here, with his parents, that told her a lot.

She took slow sips, crunching a peanut or two with each drag, savoring the mix of syrup and salt. She didn't know how to back in and face Allie. She had a strong urge to see Chris walk up: She could tell Chris about what had just happened, and if Chris chewed her out, got mad at her, it would help ease her guilt.

But that urge made her feel even more guilty. Leaning on one woman of color to deal with her guilt about another woman of color. Nope, she had to deal with this on her own. Well, and with Ginny, when she got that chance.

She finished her drink and put the empty bottle in the back floorboard, along with her second RC. She hid Allie's snack inside her pack and returned to the courthouse.



Copyright 2010 Maggie Jochild.

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GINNY'S BIRTHDAY

Today in an alternate universe on Roy Street, Ginny Bates will turn 54 years old. Myra will make her a healthy breakfast and serve it to her in bed. David and Cathy both will call from Denver, and the whole clan will gather for a dinner that will certainly include salmon and lobster.

Miss you, Ginny. Glad you came along.

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Tuesday, October 6, 2009

GINNY BATES: AN ADDENDUM


(Mt. Borradaile region, Arnhemland, Northern Territories, Australia; photo by Art Wolfe)

For the first time in months, I woke up today with Ginny Bates' voice in my head again. Hence, here's a very special treat, a conflation of two different novels: A scene I meant to put in Ginny Bates but never got around to, concerning Myra's writing Skene. This is all there'll be on this topic at this point in time. Still, it was delicious to step back into the house on Roy Street for an afternoon.

For those of you new to this blog, I'm referring to my Great American Lesbian Novel, Ginny Bates. If you are new to reading GB, go to the section in the right-hand column labeled Ginny Bates to read background and find out how to catch up. You can do the same to read Skene.

Late December, 1994

(Margie is 6, Gillam will be 4 in another week)

David arrived two days before New Year's, planning to stay through Gillam's birthday. That Saturday, when Pat and Patty offered to take the children to a local street fair and David said he was going to the Temple for Havdallah, Myra asked Ginny to stay home with her.

"I've finished a fleshed-out first draft of Skene, complete with revisions. Before I start on draft two -- well, I need you to read it" said Myra. "It's over 300 pages now, a time commitment to get through." She looked anxious.

"I'll be honored" said Ginny. "What are you going to do? I need you not to hover."

"Cook, I guess. Get a head start on special dishes for New Year's Day" said Myra.

"Then I'll go upstairs and read on the deck with the heaters on" said Ginny, "because if I'm anywhere near the kitchen I'll feel your eyes on me."


Once the children were bundled into coats and caps, and David had shufled out the door in his tallis, Ginny took the manuscript held together by an industrial-looking binder clip, kissed Myra's cheek and said "I'll be back from your imaginary world whenever the power of phonics lets me finish."

Myra made a brine mixture in two different containers, one for goose and one for pork short ribs, and set tomorrow's meats soaking in the storeroom refrigerator. She picked crab meat, an activity she didn't much like, and carried the shells afterward to the platform bird feeder for the carnivores to squabble over. She made cornbread to eat and for stuffing, stopping to have a snack of one wedge crumbled into a glass with buttermilk poured over it. She then began trying to once again create a perfect barbecue sauce for the ribs, a puzzle which she never quite accomplished to her satisfaction.

Ginny came downstairs at one point too early to have finished, refilling her teapot and taking some of the cornbread back with her, a finger held up to her lips to stall any questions from Myra. Once the barbecue sauce was simmered and cooled, Myra gave up on cooking and went instead to her study, reorganizing her map drawers. She was on the floor, surrounded by a confusion of charts, using her giant magnifying glass to hunt for ice movements which might tell her where the tent with frozen bodies of Scott's expedition might have drifted to, when she heard footsteps in the kitchen. Juju was under her daybed and scrambled out with anticipation at Ginny's approach.

Myra caught only a glimpse of Ginny, however, before there was a heavy thud against the side of her rolltop desk, followed by a shower of pages as her hurled manuscript fell out of the binder and snowed everywhere. Juju scrambled back under the daybed with a scrabble of nails on wood. Myra gaped as Ginny shouted "You fucking moron! Infidelity on paper is not excused by creative license!"

She was clearly enraged, her fists doubled and held stiffly at her sides, her face flushed. Myra thought she could see Ginny's lips trembling. Feeling unsure of her own muscles, she got to her feet and sat in her desk chair, stepping carefully around her manuscript.

"I thought you'd be upset" she said in a tone she tried to keep from being wimpy.

"Oh did you now!" said Ginny. "What fun you've been having, writing all those sex scenes that are clearly about you and Allie fucking your brains out -- in a future world, where there's no consequence for it because hey, the character based on me is right there joining in the sticky action. You are NOT going to publish a book full of your fantasies about Allie, I won't have it. Not that Allie will stand for it either, but I'll leave you before I let you humiliate me this way."

Myra felt ice in her chest. "It's not me and Allie having sex. You're reading the characters wrong."

"Oh give me a fucking break, Myra. You're clearly the main character who writes verse, and I'm clearly the zaftig muralist who had to chase her down, and then there's the tall black hero whose name is almost identical to Allie's, tell me how I've read that wrong?" Ginny kicked a path through the pages nearest her to fling herself onto the daybed with an alarming creak of wood. Juju scooted out the foot and headed for the other end of the house.

"Well, yes, the first two are right. And there are some -- okay, a lot of elements in the third partner of their relationship that are based on Allie. But I always think of her as another aspect of me. She's -- well, it's that heroic thing, I can't make my character a hero, at least not so overtly. I mean, I'm already stretching it by making her writing so crucial to everyone else's existence, I'm sure some critics will snicker at that. But I'm also an activist, Ginny, and I long to save the world, feed the world, take bold action that everyone admires without question. So I put those parts of me into the third character. And they're all non-white, Ginny, you can't use skin color to tell who's what, this is a culture post-race and post-gender." The last sentence was in a didactic tone that Myra instantly regretted, sure it would set Ginny off further.

She was right. Ginny pounded on the wall, screaming "Don't you dare act like I'm the middle-class dummy who can't get what's really going on with regard to race! Not right now, not when the issue is about you writing porn involving you and our best friend!"

"You need to stop going off the deep end, Ginny. I set it up so we'd have private time to talk. Why don't you call your healer or whatever you call her?" said Myra. She was stinging from the description of her hard-to-write sex scenes as pornography.

"Has Allie read this?" demanded Ginny.

"No. You're the only person who's read this draft in its current form" said Myra.

"But Chris has read something more recent than the last version I saw, right? Did she read any of these fuck fantasies?"

Myra hesitated. "One or two, yes."

"Oh boy, I bet she ate that up with a fucking spoon!" said Ginny, back to scream level.

Myra stood, closing her throat against the nausea in her gut, and began slowly picking up sheets of paper. Ginny watched her incredulously for half a minute, then stomped through the kitchen to their bedroom and slammed the door. A short while later, Myra saw the red light on her desk phone light up, meaning someone was making a call out. She kept stacking pages on her desk, stopping to go empty her bowels at one point, washing her face with cold water, then returning to rescue her manuscript.

She decided to put away her maps before trying to reassemble the pages in correct order. She had just finished this chore when the front door opened and she heard Margie shouting "We're home! I made a poodle from balloons, where are you?" The two children skidded into view seconds later, followed by Truitt and Carly. Gillam was wearing a crown made of slender blue and red balloons. Myra looked over their creations and said hello to Patty, thanking her for the afternoon off in a voice that sounded hollow to her own ears.

"Where's Ginny?" asked Patty.

"In the bedroom on the phone -- no, Margie, don't interrupt, she'll come out when she's done. Patty, I'd offer you tea or something, but I'm in the middle of something here..."

Patty looked closely at her face and said "Well, we should be heading home. Do you need help with anything?"

"Nope. Got it under control." Myra waited for a lightning bolt to strike her, but Patty simply rounded up her overexcited children and left. Less than a minute later, Margie lunged her poodle at Juju under the dining table. Juju lunged back and the balloon popped. Margie began shrieking and tried to kick Juju, who strategically kept chair legs between her and Margie.

"You don't get to hurt the dog!" yelled Myra over Margie's racket, pulling her to the stairs for a time-out, then sitting down beside her because she didn't know what else to do. Gillam stood in the hall, looking at them with wide eyes, pulling at his lip with his fingers.

Margie had wound herself down to only sniffling when David came in the front door and she realized afresh that she had nothing to show her grandfather. She flew at Gillam, Myra suspected not to steal his crown but to pop it as well, and Myra had to pull her back by one arm at Margie's outrage ratcheted back to explosion. David picked her up and sat with her in the easy chair. Myra started to tell Gillam to go put his crown in a safe place, before feeling a surge of anger herself at having to tiptoe around the messy emotional indulgences of others.

She went into the kitchen, Gillam at her heels, and asked him "What did you have to eat at the street fair?"

"Cotton candy" he said instantly. "A hot dog, and a soda."

Myra saw Juju from the corner of her eye, swallowing the last fragments of Margie's shattered balloon. She turned her mind away from a late-night rush to the vet for an obstructed canine colon, and instead asked Gillam "Are you hungry now?"

"Is that cornbread? Could I have some with honey butter?" Gillam asked, climbing onto a breakfast stool.

"No honey, but lots of butter. And a glass of milk. I don't know yet what we're having for dinner" said Myra, looking at the clock.

"I want to go get some more balloons!" she heard Margie sob from the living room, then a click from the bedroom door. Ginny said to David "What happened, is she hurt?"

Margie launched herself into Ginny's arms as David tried to explain what he didn't really understand. Myra came out from the kitchen to give a clearer account, adding "Juju ate the balloon pieces", which sent Margie into new umbrage. Over Margie's shouts at Juju, Myra said "They've had sugar and junk food, but I haven't started anything for dinner."

Ginny looked at her coldly, then turned back to David and said "Daddy, we're in the middle of a major fight. Would you be willing to take the kids out to eat, somewhere with vegetables and no more sugar today?"

The phrase "major fight" penetrated through Margie's tantrum. "Who's fighting?" she demanded.

"Me and Mama" said Ginny with a tight jaw. Margie leaned over to look at Myra with interest. "No hitting" she said with a near sneer.

"Of course no hitting" replied Myra. "I'm not a narcissistic toddler, I use my words."

"You certainly do use words" said Ginny in a venomous tone. David stood and said "Let's go, children. I think the cafeteria would be fun, and we can beat the crowds if we hurry."

"I don't want just vegetables" said Gillam, starting for the door. Myra pulled the crown from his head and said "I'll keep this for you on my desk. Put on your wool cap, it's getting cold out there."

As soon as the front door closed, Myra said "I'm not changing my book, Ginny. Read those scenes again, you won't find a single thing that isn't based on how we make love. That's all I have to go on inside me, that's all I ever imagine. If you don't believe me, say so now."

"I'm ready to talk" said Ginny, heading for Myra's study. Myra paused long enough to pour herself a glass of orange juice and put a wedge of cheese on a plate, next to a square of cornbread. She turned off the ringer on the house phone and followed Ginny to the study.


© 2009 Maggie Jochild.

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Sunday, April 26, 2009

SIFTING THE NEWS

(Liquid Kachina, acrylic on canvas by James Wille Faust)

I was just directed to a news item from Radio Netherlands which states:

"The Czech authorities have ordered the former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan to leave the country by midnight on Saturday. David Duke, a US national, had been invited to Prague by a number of neo-Nazi groups to celebrate the presentation of a translation of his book.

"The Czech authorities say the book denies the extent of the Holocaust and approves of it and other Nazi crimes. On Friday evening, Czech police detained Mr Duke on suspicion of denying the Holocaust, an offence punishable by up to three years in jail in the Czech Republic."

I find this very heartening, and wish there was some way to similarly deny him re-entry to the U.S.

I also thought of how, when Duke was running for Governor of Louisiana, a member of my family decided to relocate from Texas to Louisiana because they hoped to live in a state under his leadership. Yep, blood kin to me. Hard for me to admit. I believe a lot of people can be reached and given a roadmap to change, probably most people, but I have given up on that relative.


It's been a tough week here in Maggieland, in some respects, and I'm looking for good news wherever I can find it. If there is a global pandemic of the swine flu, I may be one of the survivors because I have no human contact and thus no means of transmission. Of course, without outside help to deliver groceries, I'll also starve to death, that is if the utility infrastructure stays operational, so I'll call that one a draw.

Last week I undertook some physically demanding tasks around my house which I have been literally putting off for months. I pushed myself through the pain and strain to get 'em done, and felt virtuous as I collapsed in bed for the next 36 hours, in severe muscular distress. One of the tasks was to finally get my DTV converter box working, on the third try. (The difficulty lay in accessing all the equipment, plus dead batteries in the new remote control which took me an unconscionably long time to troubleshoot.) So, as I was laid up, I had sudden access to wildly improved reception and a range of channels I hadn't ever gotten before, including a PBS side channel that shows cooking, garden, and home improvement shows around the clock. Or, as Jesse remarked, "crack cocaine" for the likes of me.

I had a second relapse in Saturday, with prolonged bouts of vomiting which is a new development after profound exertion and muscular stress. I'm up at my computer with caution, choosing not to eat or take any risks with my body for the time being.

(Carrots at Boggy Creek Farm: Yellow, Orange, Maroon, White...)
During my down time this week, I was thrilled to find that one of these shows, called "Cultivating Life" with host Sean Conway, featured a tour of our own Boggy Creek Farm, an urban organic intensive farm here in Austin, including a delightful interview with Carol Ann, one of the owners and who I think of as "my farm gal". They re-ran it and I watched it a second time through, nostalgic for the smell and look of the place itself.

(Acarajé frying, photo by Joao Eduardo Penna de Carvalho)
I was also taken back to my past by Daisy Martinez on her excellent cooking show when she made acarajé, a dish we ate from street vendors when I lived for a year as a girl in Brasil. When I was grown, my mother and I back-engineered the recipe and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. I included the dish in my novel, and have written about it as memoir, including the recipe, and in a poem, both located in my post Brasil As A Girl.

I watched the second installment of "We Shall Remain", the PBS documentary series purporting to be a history of Native Americans. I've decided it's deeply flawed, both in approach and some of the content. I didn't realize until this episode that Ric Burns was involved with it, and his weaknesses are definitely evident -- he has a hard time with the macro view, always leaving a glaring gap. And, in particular, he is absorbed with the male gaze: His inclusion of women and girls is too often incidental and distorted. With this series, the speakers and focus has been overwhelmingly male-dominated, which is particularly galling to me given how First Nations culture prior to white overrun had a gender balance that we often fail to comprehend.

For instance, this second episode concerned Tecumseh, a Shawnee military strategist who came close to shutting down U.S. expansion into the Midwest, creating a pan-Indian confederation the likes of which has never been accomplished before or since. Tecumseh worked in collaboration with his brother Lowawluwaysica, a prophet and spiritual leader who emerged from near-death due to alcoholism to re-invent himself (as Tenskwatawa) and inspire all who came into contact with him.

The obvious question is, how did these two men become such brilliant leaders and innovative thinkers, especially at a time when Native culture was under profound assault, having suffered at least two generations of disruption from epidemic and attempted white genocide? At one point, the documentary refers to the fact that because of constant warfare, the male Shawnee population had been dramatically reduced, and in some villages there were four females to every one male. But this is glancingly referred to as a toxic imbalance. At another point, it is mentioned that Tecumseh's father died when he was seven, which is around the time his younger brother was born. This means that these boys were raised with strong female influence and a widowed mother. But no exploration of how this might play a role in their singular development is ever undertaken, and indeed, their mother is never named. Nor is any other female in the entire 90 minutes, despite the fact that someone had to be doing the farming, home construction and maintenance, making clothing, tending the ill and wounded among these warriors, as well as raising the next generation. But Burns doesn't find it worthy of mention.

What a fucking joke. I wish Paula Gunn Allen. were still alive to make her opinion about it known. However, even in death, she has something pertinent to say: "I have noticed that as soon as you have soldiers the story is called history. Before their arrival it is called myth, folktale, legend, fairy tale, oral poetry, ethnography. After the soldiers arrive, it is called history."

(Paula Gunn Allen. Oakland, California, 1988; photo by Robert Giard)

Also this week (Friday) was the 25th yartzeit of Mama's death. How can it be 25 years I've gone without her? You know, even with my imagination, I cannot grasp in my mind the ways in which she would have grown and changed by now, had she lived.

Since Dinah's mysterious illness a couple of months ago and my freak-out about it, she and I are much closer, interacting in a different way. I make sure not to ever take her for granted, and in turn, she's allowing more tactile affection between us. It's quite the blessing.

I feel I should also inform those of you who are readers of my novel, Ginny Bates, that there are six months left of the story as I intended this (initial) book to be -- I designed it to end in June 2020. Further, this does not mean the remaining chapters will extend over the next six months in real time. I think it may be over in six weeks or perhaps two months. Of course, I've created characters who will go on, with a third generation emerging, and I'm definitely planning to continue the joy of writing. But I don't have the draft in hand that I did of this first monster effort, and I'm not sure if I should keep posting much rawer, new material, without the intricate structure and plot development I had devised for what I've done so far. Let me know if you have thoughts on the matter.

I'm now going to lie down, drink some water, and see if Jacques or Julia (or Ming or Daisy) have something diverting to show me. Dinah is sitting on the back of my chair, chirruping about treats and possibly throwing a toy for her to chase. Catch you later.

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Friday, November 2, 2007

Día de los Muertos

(Two Jungalas at Warlukurla by Clifford Possum Japaltjarri)

Octavio Paz once said that with regard to death, a Mejicano "...chases after it, mocks it, courts it, hugs it, sleeps with it; it is her/his favorite plaything and her/his most lasting love."


In a Kenyon Review interview in 2000, MacArthur Fellowship recipient and poet Edward Hirsch says:
"...Praise and lamentation are two of the deepest impulses in lyric poetry. The earliest poems we have—the Egyptian pyramid texts, the ancient Hebrew poems, or the earliest Greek poems—all include poems of lamentation and poems of praise. To me, the two elements go hand in hand. I wouldn't want a poetry of praise that doesn't take up the countertruth of lamentation, and I wouldn't want a poetry of lamentation that doesn't remember the gifts, to praise. Rilke says something like this in The Duino Elegies—praise walks in the land of lamentation. (...) I find the impulse to praise in the earliest poems, in the great archaic poems of people everywhere, in Christopher Smart and Walt Whitman and Gerard Manley Hopkins. It's one of the deepest and strongest impulses in poetry. I'd love to be a poet of praise. So, too, the poetry of grief and lamentation is one of the deepest and most long-standing elements in poetry. The elegy is one of our necessary forms as we try to come to terms with the fact that people around us die, that we, too, will die. We need the ritual occasion, ritual making of the elegy. That dimension of poetry is fundamental. I would very much like to see myself as part of both traditions. To me, the two greatest impulses in poetry are elegy and praise. I would love to write a poetry that brings those two impulses together."


And in my novel Ginny Bates, during the first serious conversation Ginny and Myra have together, Myra gets Ginny's complete attention and lays some of the groundwork for Ginny coming to see her as a potential life partner when she explains, as a writer:

"I read somewhere that American poetry tends to be elegaic in tone. We tend not to write the kind of political or funny or celebratory poems that other cultures do, we write about something that's been lost. I think it's because we're a nation of exiles. We separated from our homelands and had to act as if it was this great choice, moving here for freedom and new opportunity. Except I think the opposite is mostly true -- we moved here because we had no choices left. For whatever reason, we could not survive in the homeland. I think it's possible that a majority of immigrants were people who were dysfunctional in a particular way. And certainly a big chunk of our population either fled outright slaughter -- like your people -- or were kidnapped and brought here against their will. (...) And then, even with those of us here now for a generation or two, we can't find a place of safety in our families of origin. We flee to the cities on the coasts and live as exiles there, longing for our families but not able to ever go back home. We make new families together, bands of exiles. Some of them, like the lesbian community, are very satisfying. Some of us love each other as well as people have ever loved each other. But it all began from a place of exile. I think if you don't acknowledge that, and grieve it, you'll never be happy."

Grief and praise in equal amounts, a banquet table. Described by Edna St. Vincent Millay in Childhood is the Kingdom Where Nobody Dies thus:

To be grown up is to sit at the table with people who have died, who neither listen nor speak;
Who do not drink their tea, though they always said
Tea was such a comfort.

Run down into the cellar and bring up the last jar of raspberries; they are not tempted.
Flatter them, ask them what was it they said exactly
That time, to the bishop, or to the overseer, or to Mrs. Mason;
They are not taken in.
Shout at them, get red in the face, rise,
Drag them up out of their chairs by their stiff shoulders and shake them and yell at them;
They are not startled, they are not even embarrassed; they slide back into their chairs.

Your tea is cold now.
You drink it standing up,
And leave the house.


There are so many at my table now, I don't know where to squeeze in. I'll come at it indirectly.

When I was ten or eleven, when I knew that I was a writer and a Lesbian but not sure how I'd ever get to live as either one, ABC aired a special production of Brigadoon starring Robert Goulet as Tommy the American who finds true love in the past wilds of Scotland. The premise of Brigadoon is that of a small town which, centuries ago, allowed itself to be suspended in time so that it only came to life once every hundred years. For the inhabitants, there was no gap; one day followed another. But the rest of the world went on without them. The question it posed -- if you fell in love with someone from Brigadoon and had to either go with them, losing everything else you had known to the mists of eternity, or stay in this world and lose your love forever, which would you choose? -- hit my preteen heart like a sledgehammer.

I literally lay awake nights thinking about it. Even though I had not yet been in love.

It's what come up when I am reminded of Robert Goulet, what I remembered when I heard he died this week waiting, sedated, for a lung transplant. His big deep voice, from an era when men were not afraid that singing passionately would make them seem "faggy", belting out:

Can't we two go walking together
Out beyond the valley of trees
Out where there's a hillside of heather
Curtsying gently in the breeze
That's what I'd like to do
See the heather -- but with you


Or

What a day this has been
What a rare mood I'm in
Why, it's almost like being in love
There's a smile on my face for the whole human race
Why, it's almost like being in love
All the music of life seems to be like a bell that is ringing for me
And from the way that I feel when that bell starts to peal,
I could swear I was falling, I would swear I was falling,
It's almost like being in love.


I sing these two more often than you might guess, and it always brings my cat Dinah running, though usually she either ignores my singing or retreats from it as offensive. I suspect it's the vibrato in my voice on these particular songs that draws her curiosity -- my version of channeling Robert Goulet.

Years later, I saw the 1940's Gene Kelly/Cyd Charisse film of Brigadoon at the Castro Theater in San Francisco, and while I loved Gene Kelly, the music was lackluster in comparison. I have the vinyl soundtrack from the TV show, though I read online there is no known video of the broadcast. So, either you know what I'm talking about, or you don't.

RIP, Tommy.

(Washoe in 1995, Central Washington University, with Deborah and Roger Fouts)

Today we also lost Washoe, the chimpanzee who learned to speak American Sign Language -- bringing to three the total of remarkable animals who've died this season. The New York Times and other articles about her stated:

"Washoe, a female chimpanzee said to be the first non-human to acquire human language, has died of natural causes at the research institute where she was kept.
Washoe, who first learned a bit of American Sign Language in a research project in Nevada, had been living on Central Washington University's Ellensburg campus since 1980. Her keepers said she had a vocabulary of about 250 words, although critics contended Washoe and some other primates learned to imitate sign language, but did not develop true language skills.

"She died Tuesday night, according to Roger and Deborah Fouts, co-founders of The Chimpanzee and Human Communications Institute on the campus. She was born in Africa about 1965.

"The chimp died in bed at age 42, surrounded by staff members and other primates who had been close to her."

(Fup, store cat at Powell's, The City of Books -- photo courtesy of Shopcat)

I subscribe to the Powell's Bookstore newsletter, primarily because of the weekly "column" written by/about Fup, the Store Cat. I've been to Powell's (in my dreams, I win the lottery and spend a week buying it out) and saw Fup briefly. The store website has a tribute to her by Ron Silberstein that states, in part:

"Fup, the resident cat at Powell's Technical Books, passed away on October 25. She was 19 years old. She continued to greet her admiring public to the end, when her health failed and there was no choice but to put her to sleep. Her lifelong veterinarian made the trip out to the store to perform the task and Fup died peacefully at home with several of her longtime co-workers present.

"Fup was born on or about June 30, 1988. She was adopted as a kitten by the Technical Store's first manager, so her exact birthdate is unknown and she was always quite coy about that. As for the origin of her name, legend has it that the manager's sister had a cat named Puff, so he sort of spelled that backwards. There was also a book titled Fup by Jim Dodge, published in 1983, which may have played into it as well.

"When Powell's Technical Books moved to its present address in November 1990, Fup made the move as well. After clearing the building of any remaining mice, she claimed the store as her own. She showed little interest in the outside world, except to watch birds and falling leaves outside the window. She didn't care for toys, either — Fup took her position quite seriously.

"In her youth, Fup would sometimes climb ladders and hide at the top of book fixtures to look down upon the humans in her domain. Over the years, Fup acquired a well-earned reputation for biting employees who intruded on her time for more than about 30 seconds. However, she would always be sitting in front of the office to greet whoever came to open the store in the morning, demanding her serving of canned food for breakfast. She was more patient with visitors; Fup played the celebrity game well. She received many gifts and cards and emails from fans, which she appreciated.

"In her later years, she mellowed out quite a bit and even became friendlier towards her co-workers, especially if they shared their lunches. Her favorite foods were canned tuna, chicken (especially Tandoori), and pulled pork. Cold cuts were also welcome.

A website devoted to her, Shopcat, states "Her main duties are to walk around and keep an eye on things, and to act as a paperweight. Her favorite places are in boxes of any size. She usually naps in the fax paper box, but we caught her jumping in the 'Outgoing Store Transfers' box."

(Alex the African Grey Parrot)

And in September we lost Alex the African Grey Parrot. The website sparked by study of him at Alex Foundation states:

"Known as one of the most famous African Grey parrots in history, Alex pioneered new avenues in avian intelligence. He possessed more than 100 vocal labels for different objects, actions, colors and could identify certain objects by their particular material. He could count object sets up to the total number six and was working on seven and eight. Alex exhibited math skills that were considered advanced in animal intelligence, developing his own 'zero-like' concept in addition to being able to infer the connection between written numerals, objects sets, and the vocalization of the number. Alex was learning to read the sounds of various letters and had a concept of phonemes, the sounds that make up words."

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