Showing posts with label food. Show all posts
Showing posts with label food. Show all posts

Saturday, December 22, 2012

STOLLEN POST NON-APOCALYPSE

 

Yesterday I got a package and as soon as I saw it was from Amanda, I began whispering "Please, please, let it be stollen!" And it was, a perfect golden loaf of it. I just had a toasted slice spread with cream cheese. Absolute solstice heaven.

 
The only time I've been to New England was several years ago to visit Amanda in Boston, via a ticket she sent me. It was a trip filled with adventure and golden memories, and I've written a lot about it. One perfect morning there was spent with me sitting at her kitchen table as she put together stollen, still in her adorable pajamas, while we talked some about Buffy, etc. I got a glimpse that day of her people, her childhood, and stollen became an item without which midwinter was not complete.

 
Our best friends, the ones we are meant to have, give us unlimited delight. My inner being alights when I think of Amanda. I never get enough of her mind, her worldview, her backstory. I am lucky to know her.

 
And the stollen is simply delicious proof of her love.

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Thursday, December 20, 2012

ENOUGH EXTRA TO MAKE COOKIES THIS YEAR

 
It was a no-visitor morning, so I got to have a slow start to the day. Then Tammi and I experimented with a chewy sugar cookie recipe from America's Test Kitchen. I wanted something chewy and solid enough to stand uo to icing, and we substituted whole wheat flour for white, brown sugar for white, and used 1/3 less sugar. They could not have come out more perfect, bursting with flavour. Tomorrow I will mix multiple kinds of icing and decorate these.

 

Mama focused on family baking and crafts during the holidays, and that is what I have missed about adult celebrations of Christmas. She was unhurried and we laughed as we messed up in the learning process. Her Must Make list included divinity (both white and black fudge), lemon bars, Danish wedding cookies, candy-cane cookies (sprinkled with crushed peppermints we got to whack into dust with a hammer, and stained glass cookies. These latter were not the short-cut versions almost every recipe now has, but involved a double layer of dough with the top being an actual mosaic of colours cut from various hues and painstakingly fitted together by earnest little fingers. Sheer joy.

She was also a big fan of fruitcakes, but often simply waited for the one Aunt Sarah would send every year from that place in Corsicana. None of the rest of us could abide fruitcake, and the gingered candies were expensive to buy.

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Tuesday, December 18, 2012

CURDS AND WAYS

 
The apartment is redolent of lemons. Tammi and I are having a try at making home-made lemon curd. Will share the recipe if it works.

Jessica the nurse came and reassured me that the excessive sleepiness which has arrived is indeed a common side effect of certain antibiotics. I can simply sleep as much as I want and let my body recover from the infection. She is now off until the Thursday after Christmas, so I need to have no Foley problems until then. (Knock latex.)

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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

SHROOMS AND EMPTY ROOMS

(Margot doing the librarian vamp)
 
Another gourmand's lunch: Local hen-of-the-woods mushrooms (maitake) sauteed in lashings of butter, fresh angel hair pasta, sauteed mustard greens, and for me, a cod filet. When Scoutie came to lick clean our plates, she zeroed in on the mustard greens over anything else.

Jessica the nurse came and took a urine sample because the overfull Foley incident of a few days ago may have caused another infection -- some indications one has begun. I will have to monitor Debra more closely. Jessica was upset about it, but the standards (and training and pay) for attendants are not the same as those for nurses, despite patient needs being often identical.

I had nightmares last night, waking up at one point weeping because Margot is going to leave again and it is increasingly hard to bear the separation. We have no alternative, and we choose to stay fully open instead of guarded because we know the loss is the same whether you allow yourself to feel it all the way or not. M woke up enough to say "I have to go but I never leave you" which did not actually help, press herself against me which DID help, and after a few minutes I slept again.

Last night's possum was the first-year female I've called Pennines or Pennie. She looks in better shape than her putative brothers. She ate enthusiastically, washed her face, and watched us through the window. M did not approach her for a photo; I think we both suspected she would flee.

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Monday, December 3, 2012

NOTHING BEETS THIS LIFE

 
(Today's luncheon beets before roasting)

Margot has adorably bound her hair into a bun using a red plastic sword as anchor. No wonder I love this woman.

I had PT this morning with Eddie and Margot an observor. Because the room is rearranged for cohabitation, I did not have the black shelves as my usual handhold, so I was forced to get sitting upright in a different manner. To my pleasure, I managed it. Despite waves of deep vertigo and pain, I sat up for 12 minutes while Eddie walked me through resistance challenges to my core. Scout was in avid attendance, and Margot's face was luminous. 

When it was time for me to go back down, I did so as smoothly as an able-bodied person, with that kind of fluidity and control -- my legs did exactly what I asked of them. A first. We all burst forth spontaneously into a cheer when this happened. and Scout streaked away into the other room.

I have been pushing water and rebuilding stamina since; I was left my usual depleted and shaky self. But with M here calling me a hero. After Eddie left, I wept on her shoulder. This is as hard an effort as humans face, my beloveds. And incrementally slow progress. Yet it is progress.

Yesterday M massaged my shoulders and somehow eradicated the pain in both: A miracle, as far as I am concerned. The rotator cuff problem in the left has this morning resurfaced, but my right is still fluid and unhurting. She has also renovated my feet entirely.

Dinner last night was spectacular: Massive portobellos stuffed with shallots, garlic butter, provolone, ricotta, and panko; a Romaine salad with paper-thin slices of fresh radish, grape red and yellow tomatoes, toasted pecans, and peppery hot radish sprouts; and for me a roux to into which leftover roast beef had been shredded. Lunch today is imminent: roasted golden and pink-striped baby beets with roasted potatoes, shallots, carrots and garlic; mustard greens; and more of the leftover roux. Plus for M the last of the homemade whole-grain mac-n-cheese I made for the day of her arrival.


Scout is blissed out by getting to sleep with the both of us, moving from one to the other during the night. Dinah is also a frequent presence, allowing M the kind of mush and contact nobody else dares impose on her cranky self. For those who wondered, the "Dinah-charming" song is Dinah won't you blow followed by Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah -- she knows it is about her and melts as much as she ever does when I croon it to her.

Scout does not as yet have a song. Are there any songs out there with scout in the lyrics?

We have watched occasional episodes of University Challenge, deriding Jeremy Paxman but between the two of us coming up with a respectable number of answers. We also watched a special featuring Bill Bailey and an orchestra backing him as he talked about music, highly entertaining and informative. I go to sleep rapidly and deliciously when M is beside me, and we have been waking up together with a shared need to ingest caffeine before attempting anything like conversation -- a habit I wish the whole world emulated.

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Thursday, November 22, 2012

BEATING A PATH TO MY DOOR

 
I am short on sleep today for none of the usual holiday reasons: Last night was a THREE-POSSUM extravaganza.

Around 11, the one I've been calling Plum (I think) showed up, climbing the birdfeeder pole to eat cracked corn and the last of the old pecans. I watched intermittently, my attention also caught by the discovery on Youtube of a channel with a massive cache of 1970's-era British TV dramas, including the first Jemima Shore mysteries.

On one of my glances out the window, my pulse quickened to see a second possum on the ground below the feeder. Both were similar in size, demonstrably smaller than Puddy and without her white patches. They also lacked her, shall we say, gravitas: There was an air of not-quite-maturity about them.

After eating, the first one moved over to sit on the rectangular planter where I have succulents growing. The second one -- whom I have dubbed Tate (his full name is Prostate, a moniker chose by illiterate Puddy because it has such a regal sound to it) -- then climbed to his turn at the feeder. When Tate was done, he descended the pole and disappeared from view for a few minutes. Plum had nearly dozed off in the planter.

Then I was electrified to see Tate coming over the edge of the planter and nuzzling the back fur of Plum. Was there about to be a territorial squabble? No, it was a friendly greeting, perhaps that of siblings. They shared the planter companionably (except woe to the squashed succulents) and took turns dozing or looking around warily.

I myself kept going to sleep and then waking back up to enjoy the show. Scout had decided the best spot for her was at the head of my bed, far from the window and jammed against my shoulder, where she was grooming noisily in between surveillance. Around 4 a.m., I saw Plum crane his neck over the side of the feeder, as if watching something on the ground. I strained upward, and there was a third possum, snuffling among birdseed detritus on my patio! This one was of a size with the other two, and she stood up at one point to sniff briefly at Plum in an acknowledging manner. I have my channels open to receive her name when it is transmitted to me.

Clearly Patio de Jochild has become an after-hours joint for trendy marsupials. I didn't think they congregated in this manner; perhaps this is a litter (Puddy's?) which has not yet separated, although they are at the upper end of juvenile if so. A week from today Margot will arrive, and I am avid to share this naturalist opportunity with her.

I am now listening to "A Splendid Table" on KUT, sharing turkey confidentials from Ina Garten, Samuel Marcus, Bitty, etc. I have already sung along to "Alice's Restaurant", completely bemusing Tammi, whom I allowed to leave an hour early to join her family. All our fabulous cooking is gathered on a plate I will heat and eat at noon when I switch over to TV for the National Dog Show. Though the coconut cream pie may not last that long -- it's a mile high and calling my name.

I'm thinking leftover cornbread-pecan stuffing leftovers for tonight's possum buffet...

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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

THANKFUL FOR PRIVACY

 
Zach the new volunteer grocery shopper from Meals On Wheels accidentally bought dried cranberries instead of fresh cranberries, so I wasn't sure how to prepare them. I dumped the bag into a saucepan with half a cup of orange juice plus the chunks of a peeled Clementine and simmered it together for half an hour, until the liquid was absorbed. Seriously, this is the best cranberry relish I've ever tasted!

Tammi (my morning attendant) and I also just put together Yukon Gold mashed potatoes; sweet potatoes simmered in cream and butter before mashing; and stuffing made with stale whole-grain conrbread, roasted pecans, spicy sausage, water chestnuts, scallions, tons of garlic, Win and Sheldon's lemon sage, one egg, and some hot beef broth.

Tomorrow's final feast with include pot roast, salad, and a coconut cream pie. All in small portions but it will still be a glycemic hit. However, one of the (many) pleasures about not having to share an unpleasant holiday with family is that I can eat the protein and pie of my choice, with sides as I like 'em. While watching the national dog show nekkid, feeding a kitten from my plate, and no social service visits guaranteed all day. Crip heaven!

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Friday, May 14, 2010

TOMATOES AND GLASS


I feel like I'm channelling Jane Espenson, but -- lunch was sharp cheddar on an onion kaiser with grape tomatoes. I'm still nibbling at the tomatoes, relishing that pop of sweet acid as the globe gives way. All the responsible foodies say one thing we have to change is returning to eating seasonally, which means tomatoes only in the warm months. Which is when they taste best anyhow. But it will be hard for me to give them up all year. They feel female and dialectic and Texan to my palate.

First letter I ever wrote to Liza Cowan was in 1977 to ask why she and Penny House had named their publishing venture Tomato Publications. First mail I ever got back from her was a hand-designed postcard which began, in classic Liza style, "Why not?"

Mama grew lovely tomatoes in the summer but her veggies of choice were snap beans and onions. She liked to slather thick slices of brown bread with butter and add slices of raw onion to make a sandwich she'd eat with iced coffee. I tried a bite when I was little and found it horrific. She said "Your taste changes as you grow up, don't worry about it." She was right on so many levels.

When we had buttermilk in the house, Mama would make fresh cornbread, crumble some into a jelly glass and fill it with buttermilk to eat like a dessert. She said it was a dish she'd seen her grandmother enjoy, farm gourmet fare. I wonder how many people in America still call the milk we buy in cartons "sweet milk" automatically to distinguish it from buttermilk? Or clabber milk -- how many of you out there have ever tasted clabber milk?

I can remember when milk first began coming in waxed paper cartons instead of glass. Mama resisted the paper containers as long as she could, saying it tasted better in glass. Now, except for a premium in natural food stores, our only option is plastic jugs.

Well, with the death of oil I guess we'll be returning to glass bottles. They were so useful, for making sun tea, or having a brief aquarium of pollywogs, or starting sprouts on the windowsill. One time I talked Mama into buying me a set of food colors at the grocery store and I spent a week mixing colored water in glass bottles, lining the windows of my room with them. That's how I learned color combining. They all went cloudy brown when the bacteria began growing, however.

It's important to remember that our flirtation with "factory food" is a brief experiment born of hubris and the need to keep post-WWI men from returning to farming. The notion that we can replace nature with monoculture -- that it could possibly be a good idea -- arises from patriarchal fear of that which they see as Not Male. Their fratboy g*d promised them dominion over the earth and sea, and they can't seem to get enough of exercising that dominion.

Well gird your loins, fellas. Literally. Because the tomato-lovers and glassblowers are massing in the courtyard. See you there.

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Sunday, March 15, 2009

DAILY JOURNAL: SASQUATCH, ADDICTION, AND THE FIRST RAIN IN MONTHS


I forgot to take my Zyrtec before I went to sleep this morning, so I woke up half an hour ago with a dull headache. I took a tablet belatedly (it's a 24-hour effect) and now will try to write my way through both the headache and the pill's drowsiness.

Dinah watched me leave the bedroom from her Cabe. She will be joining me soon, to request her daily treat and to try to find SOMETHING to do in this boring place. She is back entirely to her old self, which means mostly if I reach out to pet her without her having come to interrupt me and demand it, she recoils as if I have ricin on my hands.


I just got an e-mail from Barbara, the person who does such a fabulous job grocery shopping for me, that she is sick this week and cannot get to my list until next weekend. She's reliable and extremely good, so mostly I'm just feeling sympathy for her. And I'll be okay waiting. I'm low on cat treats but can ration them out, and have drank the last of my Coky-Cola so will go through withdrawal, but as I periodically try to quit my 10 oz daily habit anyhow, I'm familiar with the withdrawal. (More headaches.)

Deep Shit cookies
I'm in good shape because, the highlight of my week, I got a care package from Little Gator. (Never sure if I should capitalize these cyber handles or not.) It was chock full of things I LOVE to eat, including whole wheat Barilla penne, tuna in water, canned chicken, pure canned pumpkin, the kind of bath soap I use, a few other things I can't recall at this still-not-entirely-awake instant, and a jar of handmade tomato sauce from Sicily. PLUS: A batch of Deep Shit cookies made by Little Gator herself. These are rolled cookies which look like cat turds -- if they are the variety with coconut flakes in them, then they look like cat turds with tapeworm segments. I'd heard of them but never tasted one. There are two versions, chocolate and ginger, and I actually ate them all the first day they arrived. Extraordinarily good. Dinah watched me with disbelief. Little Gator was also kind enough to send me the recipe, but I cannot share it with you because it appears to be a closely guarded secret.

This is the first food I've eaten that was made by someone else's hands in months and months.

Dinah still has not arrived at my desk. It's early in the day for me, and she hates it when I go off schedule. Perhaps she's gone back to sleep. If I'm in the same room, I can tell when she's deep in sleep because she snores softly.

Today is the last day of my free trial with Netflix. I've been on a viewing orgy. I went through two entire seasons of Weeds (the only two available) in two sittings, gorging myself. I have things to say about it later on. I watched almost half of the final Pirates of the Caribbean movie before becoming too bored and clicking off. The afterlife surreal scenes with Johnny Depp were fun, but otherwise it was predictable. I watched 21, about card counters, mostly for glimpses of math -- not a movie I'd recommend. (Amanda, if you're reading this, I know you're probably thinking "What did I expect with a Kevin Spacey movie?")

I watched several episodes of Good Neighbors, noting that the three supporting actors in the early series (Felicity Kendal, Penelope Keith and Paul Eddington) all went on to more fame than the billed star, Richard Briers. At least from this side of the pond. I adored Paul Eddington in Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister. Not to mention Nigel Hawthorne, of course. And I'm currently enjoying a much older (and tastier) Felicity Kendal in Rosemary and Thyme on our local PBS station.

I rewatched an episode of Dead Like Me in mourning for where this incredible series could have gone (like Firefly). I checked out Mythbusters and found it entertaining. I also rewatched several Kolchak: The Night Stalker episodes -- Chris Carter said this was his main inspiration for The X-Files. I watched one episode of Walking With Dinosaurs but got tired of CGI gore. I watched several episodes of Terry Jones' Medieval Lives and found it extremely good -- Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones of the Pythons taking a mostly straightforward historical look at what life was actually like for various segments of the population during the Middle Ages. This is a series worth having on DVD, I think -- along with Terry Jones' examination of the origins of zero that was on PBS last year.

Speaking of Python alums, I won't have time to take in Michael Palin's Pole to Pole, but I caught a lot of this series on PBS. I do want to sample The Human Face with John Cleese before my deadline arrives. And perhaps check out Ripping Yarns.

I will not have time to view Elizabeth R or U-571 or My Kid Could Paint That, dammit. But I will make sure I watch Persepolis before midnight.

One thing I squeezed in during daylight hours earlier this week was the Ancient Mysteries episode on sasquatch. I gave a morbid fear of sasquatch to one of the main characters in my novel Ginny Bates, and it's based on my own paranoia. I thought I'd seen all the documentaries out there about this perhaps mythical creature, but this one was new to me and actually quite good, taking a hard look at the science, pro and con, without sensationalism. I watched it eight hours before bedtime, worried it would set off another wave of bigfoot nightmares, but I was fine. And that's even with another aggravating factor arriving unexpectedly last week.

Westward II screen shot
The new computer game I've been playing in rationed chunks (no more than an hour a day), Westward, had a "disaster quest" that plopped my hero down in a Western desert and scrub woodland landscape with three gunslingers and told her she had to round up three dangerous wild animals to holding pens without killing them or being killed: a bighorn sheep, a grizzly bear, and a sasquatch. It took me five restarts to succeed. The gunslingers were no help at all, I had to squirrel them away in a side canyon because every time they laid eyes on one of the critters, they whipped out rifles and began firing until the animals were dead. (Realistic enough, I suppose.) I had to get right behind the beasts until they wheeled on me, then run like hell across the entire fucking map until I, hopefully, zipped through the holding pen ahead of them and the gate swung shut. The sasquatch, however, was able to keep up with me and I had to keep circling back around and galloping through the pen again. I was sweaty and short of breath, sitting here in my chair, by the time I finished this quest. My reward was being given sheep for my ranches.

There's a sort of Easter Egg with this game where, if you build ten flowerboxes for your little town, you can then build beehives, and if you build three beehives, you get honey for your general store PLUS a grizzly bear shows up to join your team of gunslingers and deputies. The grizzly bear does major damage on bandits, but will not go to every level with you. Apparently if you play the Sandbox version of the game (which I've not done yet), you can acquire your own sasquatch who will also be a companion on adventures. Might be therapeutic for me, ya think?

I also watched a mini-documentary titled Betrayal at Little Big Horn which was poorly done. Much less information in it than, say, Evan S. Connell's book Son of the Morning Star. Mostly it was tubby white men obsessing about ways Custer could have not died, which holds no interest for me at all. Custer fucking deserved to die, preferably before Little Washita. Here's a thought for you: How come the genocidal war on the Plains Indians was carried out by the same heroes who supposedly fought the Civil War to free black people from slavery?

If you're going to make documentaries about events for which descendants from both sides are still alive, you better interview experts from both sides equally. At least Evan S. Connell made an effort. For both Little Big Horn and the Alamo, we should be reading the accounts of the folks who whupped our asses instead of the excuse-makers, ¿claro?

Four nights ago as I was working I was hearing a strange sibilant sound I couldn't place. I kept pulling off my headphones to listen, and accusing Dinah of mischief. It took me half an hour to identify it as rain. It's been that long since it rained here. It rained two or three times since, though not nearly enough to rescue this season's wildflowers or, more significantly, farmers. The same week PRick Perry, our leftover Governor from the Bush era, announced he was rejecting half a billion dollars in stimulus funds for unemployment. I was so angry I had to stop thinking about it. I earnestly hope this is political suicide for him, that no Texan forgets this single act -- because it will affect every Texan in the state in a decidedly negative way.

For the past two weeks, I've had more work available at my online job, which will mean a little more money in three weeks (though not enough to cover what's coming down the pike, but hey, every little bit helps), and my energy has been focused there ahead of writing. Well, work first, basic quality of life second, then either writing or play and this week play has won out. Which also includes reading a couple of used mysteries I'd not picked up before, by Laurie R. King and Martha Grimes. I'm a major reader of mysteries whose form is, essentially, that of the novel. Here's my favorite mystery writers, not in order: Martha Grimes, Laurie R. King, Nevada Barr, Dorothy Sayers, Ngaio Marsh, Rex Stout, Mary Roberts Rinehart, Sara Paretsky, Ruth Rendell, P.D. James, Elizabeth George, Ellis Peters, Tony Hillerman, Frances and Richard Lockridge, Per Wahlöö and Maj Sjöwall, Elizabeth Peters, Carolyn Heilbrun/Amanda Cross, Patricia Cornwell, Janet Evanovich, Marcia Muller, Josephine Tey, Elmore Leonard, and of course Patricia Highsmith, a distant relative of mine.

Cast of Weeds
Seguing from writing back to Weeds: I can easily see why this series keeps accumulating Emmys and Golden Globes. It's got extremely good writing and plotting, stellar performances, and it addresses, in a comprehensive but not always obvious fashion, the major American cultural trait of addiction. The imaginary suburb in which it is set, Agrestic, is full of addicts because the very definition of suburbs lends itself to addiction, a means of escaping reality, emotion, the messy demands of human connection.

Not that these characters' lives aren't messy. It's one poor decision after another in this series. But believable, in-character self-destruction, often with humor and empathy elicited despite the unsavory aspects of their personalities fully evident. That's great writing and acting for you.

I appreciated how interwoven examinations of race and class are integral to the plot. I wish the same were true of gender, but the cast is male-heavy and male-worshipping, and the writers are clearly either male or of the "post-feminist" female headset ("We don't have to think about real equality because it just makes us boring to the boys.) Except for the lead, Mary-Louise Parker, the stunning Tonye Patano, and intermittently Elizabeth Perkins (mostly by dint of her break-through acting), the girls and women in Agrestic are mostly foils for male fantasy and utility.

Children are pushed into addiction early, with either no adult attention available or it arriving through seriously fucked-up filters (Uncle Andy the woman-hater should be kept miles away from any boy you care about). They are encouraged to be fixated on possessions, status, violence, sugar, caffeine, heteronormativity, stimulation, and sex without intimacy -- in other words, prepared for adulthood in Agrestic. Pot becomes a way of "mellowing out" from the jagged highs of the other addictions.

Anne Wilson Schaef's writings, popular among those who attend 12-step programs, repeatedly urge us to view America as an owning class, addicted empire, where even if you are neither owning class nor a substance abuser, in terms of your relationship to the rest of the globe you need to be in active recovery or else you are in denial. Addiction is how we fueled our conquest of the continent. Meriwether Lewis and William Clark very deliberately ensured they had enough daily rations of alcohol to give their "Corps of Discovery" until they were past the point of turning back -- because without liquor to blur the boundaries, you cannot reliably persuade human beings to do the work of empire. Similarly, last century's British polar explorers might run out of fuel or ascorbic acid, but they made sure they had rations of alcohol and chocolate to the bitter end.

While Weeds' take on the lives of its African-American characters is not completely spot-on, it offers far more complicated and interesting roles than almost anything else on TV. Heylia James voices bitter commentary but not Magical Negro wisdom, because her own flaws are evident. (Although her line "White people get soda pop, n*****s get bullets" is one of the great analyses of all time.)

The sex in Weeds is unremittingly pornified. So much so that I began to wonder if it was not a subtle statement on the use of sex as avoidance but instead, perhaps, the writers couldn't imagine "hot" sex without a pornographic overlay. (You know, pornography is to good sex as McDonald's is to good food.) It quickly palled for me and I began fast-forwarding through those parts, the only places where I wasn't riveted on the characters' acting.

I also was distracted by the enormous sums of money these characters had at their disposal. I have no way of knowing how accurately this reflects a 2005-ish suburban California lifestyle, but I have grave suspicions. I remember after the remade Father of the Bride movie came out (the one with Steve Martin and Diane Keaton), some major magazine did an analysis of how distorted the class messages were in this film, one of whose plot points was the "humor" of a father being talked into spending extravagantly on his daughter's wedding. The father supposedly owned a running shoe factory. The magazine article pointed out that the set for the kitchen in the home of this character contained items whose net value ran into the hundreds of thousands and would mean, if the rest of the house followed its example, that his home was worth exponentially more than his alleged small business. It was beyond product placement, it's the Hollywood subliminal "this is what successful REAL people own" that is a major class lie.

The larger point, though, is that good writing and good art should generate these kinds of questions within us. Raise the energy (to quote Sharon Bridgforth) and engage the dormant parts of our brains. And with that, I'll leave you to hopefully create some of my own examples. Dinah is now here and requests a game before I open the Ginny Bates file. She says her needs are not addiction, they are basic biological imperative.

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Saturday, January 3, 2009

THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS

I Love You in ASL card by Liza Cowan, 1983 (Card created by Liza Cowan in 1983 for her company, White Mare)

My second semester at North Texas State University, I signed up for a speech class to get rid of my "hick" accent. NTSU suffered from an inferiority complex in general, not being part of the UT system, and aside from its music degree and the honors program of which I was a part, every department I encountered there went out of its way to put down anyone seeming too rural or provincial. I'm sorry now I took the speech classes. I think the way I talked was probably lovely, rich and full of colloquialisms which do still come to me. My vocabulary was stellar and my grammar impeccable, thanks to the women in my family. The accent was no indicator of my intelligence or education.


But I was still in the closet about my class background, so speech cleansing it was. As part of that course, we had to learn a "piece" and declaim it with two or three other students -- not really a performance, no sets or props, but still on stage and with all attention focused on pronunciation. Ironically, we were encouraged to select from an assortment of dramatic works, and my little group chose A Streetcar Named Desire, full of florid Williamsesque accents and linguistic contrivance. I was given the part of Blanche Dubois, mostly because the other girl in my group flat-out refused and I was too shy to actually insist I couldn't possibly do it.

It was agony for me, in every regard. I got by, I think, because I had of course memorized my lines and that was half the grade. Also, the boy Tim who had the Stanley Kowalski role was a 90 lb. weakling with long blond hippie hair and a faint voice. What we really should have done is traded roles, me and Tim. Instead, the rest of the class managed to not laugh at us and the bored TA gave me an A mostly because I did shed my accent by the end of the year.

I loathed Blanche. The one line of hers that I appreciated was "I have always relied on the kindness of strangers", with all its lie and misdirected meaning and gender subterfuge. It actually comes up in my head often.

The last few weeks, it's been a mantra. I am relying on the kindness of strangers for survival. No sarcasm and no manipulation here, just frank reality.

It's hard to describe. I'd call it a state of grace, except that's such a christian reference. It does have an awe-some element of fear, and a sense of responsibility whose parameters I cannot completely scribe without encountering shame, still. (I'm working on it.)

I think about the choices I've made along the way which brought me to this place, and try to see the power in it. But there's also circumstances beyond my control -- at least, some of them are, but sorting out which are genuinely random and which are the result of my class training to assume helplessness is another sift I'm having to do.

Some of the changes from last month to now are intense, and mostly expressed in my body. I'm sleeping solidly, and waking up without panic. I'm eating real food, usually two meals a day, with fresh fruit and vegetables and whole grains making the bulk of it, instead of bologna and -- well, I don't want to say. Eating two meals a day instead of one or none has altered my chemistry and energy. I can "afford" to think about certain issues now, afford to do more around the house, afford to let myself cry.

Even more pronounced has been the change in my dreams. For three months before hope came my way, I had been dreaming several times a week that I was living with my family of origin again, one or all of them. I was usually the age I am now, but they were younger, during the years when we were in crisis and crammed together without community or sanctuary. These nightmares revolved around me trying to get space (literally), like a corner of a room to call my own, freedom from hostility, find a door to the outside, get to a phone, land a job, always juggling my needs against those of my mother and little brother (if they were in that dream). I would wake up feeling wretched. I couldn't go right back to sleep, so my sleep cycles had become two and three hours long. A bad cycle to be in.

No more. I have always had strong dreams, full of symbolism and creativity, and these have returned without any appearance of my family. Hallelujah.

Often I've come in, rested and fed, to my computer and begun writing about what I'm feeling and thinking. I haven't been finishing these pieces, because the future still seems open-ended to some extent. Here's one such effort:

"It's been months since we had cat treats in this house. Dinah had given up looking for the canister on the shelf next to my computer monitor. But with the grocery money available last week, I felt it possible to spare $2 and buy some Whisker Lickins. When I pulled the package from the grocery bag in her presence, she didn't register any recognition. However, when I popped the seal, her sense of smell brought her memory back in full force.

Since then, she's been unctuous and abnormally attentive. In fact, night before last, she crawled under my comforter and slept with me -- not in actual physical contact, which would have been strange enough to make me call 911, but still within reach if I so chose. It was startling, and made me realize, once again, how much I miss having a pet who is affectionate. Dinah will Allow Me to stroke her back, and that's it. No cuddling, no adorable reaching out. When she wants my attention, she licks my arm but that's not an expression of love -- she knows full well I don't like it, and it gets me to notice her. Negative feedback is fine with her."


Here's another uncompleted start:

"I just ate a huge bowl of frijoles negritos and brown rice, garnished liberally with garlic, onions, and peppers. And a couple of taquitos on the side. Excellent breakfast -- the only thing I'd add is cantaloupe, but tis not the season, alas.

The rice came out perfect, may I say. I set the timer and did not lift that lid, no matter what. Most days I can't resist a look. Positive reinforcement like this wars continually with a cook's fear of scorched pans. I wondered, how did people make perfect rice before the days of timers or see-through lids? I bet someone out there knows the answer. My best guess was that they set something to bake or rise at the same time which took exactly 45 minutes to look right, and when that was done, they knew the rice was done, too.

I once worked in office of six other women who were all on the no-carb, high-protein diet. Breakfast for them would be a small sirloin and half a pound of bacon. Lunch was equally obscene -- they had permission to avoid apples and carrots, for instance, because of their "carb count". Then, around 2:00, they'd start jonesing and talking feverishly about french fries or pancakes. Eventually pretzels would be sneaked out from someone's desk and they'd all have a few, then whine the rest of the day about how they had failed themselves. Meanwhile, their breath peeled paint from the walls and the gas was ignitable.

I brought in my brown rice, my roasted blue potatoes or Red Bliss, my quinoa and amaranth and stone-ground corn meal with pintos and squash. I tried to explain to them how whole grains are often nearly whole foods, why it was that massive peasant populations worked sun-up to sun-down on nothing more than rice or potatoes or whole wheat bread. But I was fat and refused to feel shame about it, so I was the leper who lived in an unclean hut."


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The plain truth of the matter, I don't know how to thank you all. I really don't. Except to maybe show you (keep showing you) who I am, to keep doing the work I think I was born to do, and to keep holding out hope in the particular way I am able to -- a skill nobody else in my family possessed.

We still have a little way to go before I'm out of serious peril. Jesse is doing miraculous work, over at Group News Blog, raising funds for me -- here's his most recent post. In order to get some of the state-supplied services I must have to be safe, I have to undergo another round of doctor visits (to get documentation) because it's been too long since I had a complete examination. This means funds to pay for it out of pocket, plus transportation, plus assistance. Next month, maybe. Social services in Texas were shredded by Bush and have not been restored since. But I'll find a path through this swamp, now that I can eat and sleep and not fear eviction.

My mind keeps going to all the ways I've done extra for others, all my life. I'm not sure if this is me trying to convince myself I deserve this help, or if it is a way to give me common ground with all you out there who are choosing to send me love in the form of dollars. I had a friend for a few years who had severe environmental illness, such that she could not work, could not do her own dishes or housecleaning (no products safe enough), could not fill her truck with gas, had to wear a mask out in the world. I would go by her house after work and wash her dishes for her, get her car gassed up, go with her on necessary errands out in the world to keep her company and remind her she was not a freak, no matter how people looked at her.

I've wiped adults who've crapped themselves, help change catheter bags, talked people out of suicide, made meals and washed clothes and hauled groceries and been the person you call when you have to put a pet to sleep. I've done none of it for money, all of it for love, and I've done way, way more than my share. When I was mobile and seemingly able-bodied, I never stopped doing a little more than my share, every single day. When I saw someone panhandling, I gave 'em a buck. If it was a woman or someone with a kid or a person of color, I gave 'em half of what I had in my pockets, even if they reeked of booze or huff: So what if they're an addict, half the people I've known have had some form of addiction. That's between them and g*d. I've had people I love become homeless, you don't choose it any more than you choose falling off a cliff. And when I handed them the money, I touched their hand, their arm, I looked them in the eye and said "I hope this helps."

Was I paying it forward, then? Did I know, or suspect, or fear I'd reach where I am now? I honestly can't answer that question, but it keeps coming up.

I have a few memories of being a baby and toddler in India, of walking the streets of Kolkata in the arms of Nilmoni and her friends, the nuns who worked with Mother Teresa. I don't remember meeting Mother Teresa, though Mom told me I did, many times. I do remember feeling happy and safe with these women, that what they/we did was talk to people, all day long. Listen to them and talk back to them as human beings. I was glad to be not just with the sisters but with all the other people, the beggars and lepers and starving -- we were all the same, all good and doing our best. There was never any tension in these street scenes that transmitted itself to me. Life was good, even when it wasn't.

So, perhaps that is the source of my choices, my strength, my commitments. Or maybe, as one energy worker told me, I'm simply unusually strong.

Whatever --I'm glad to be alive. Glad to have found another way to keep writing my letters to the world, even as I live separated from you against my will. Glad you are out there and decided to reach my way. I'll keep writing, letting you know how things are.

Bless you.

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