ME AND MY PALS THE COOKING SHOWS (A POEM)

(A foodscape by Carl Warner -- the "sea" is thin slices of salmon.)

I like Caprial on her own. John
is not nearly as funny as he thinks he is.
Rachel Allen could cook anything
and make it look easy. I click off her show
craving "botter" and dishes with cabbage.
Steven Raichlen proves that even someone
with extreme OCD can make barbecue.
Lidia needs to stop forcing her family
to repeat that cheesy "Let's eat" command.
Also, Joe is not that special.
I wonder if those close to Sara Moulton
yell at her to JUST FINISH THE GODDAMNED SENTENCE
before going on to the next thought,
Hubert Keller and the food porn queens
groomed by Martha Stewart
need to be fined $1000 every time
they use the word "nice".
It's NOT a description, people.
Laney Bayless is shaping into a good cook.
And don't you get the feeling that
Deanna is the force
behind the family business?
Claudine always screws up
but she doesn't care any more
and Jacques has gotten over it, too.
I like how he uses pantry stuff
and frozen peas.
Andreas loves nothing more
than being out in nature
with a rugged manly man
exuding Nordic pine tesosterone
and cook a meal for him. Ina
cooks for gay men who prefer
flowers and perfect place settings.
I'd like to see Tommy Tang and Andreas
compare techniques if you know what I mean.
Ming seems to drink a lot
and never scrapes out a bowl
but his dinnerware are works of art.
Mario is a minimalist genius.
Bobby Flay is overextended.
I prefer to watch Nick Stellino and
Mary Ann Esposito with the sound muted.
What we need are new shows
by Daisy, or how about one of
the Latino chefs who are the backbone
of the industry out there?
And more Julia. We still
miss Julia.


Copyright 2010 Maggie Jochild
Written 26 October 2010, 2:00 p.m.