Friday, May 31, 2013


Gillian Anderson and Archie Punjabi in "The Fall"

Awakening from a dream in which I have a lover with two beefy / teefy / blondie teenage boys. We are driving down a dirt road to pick them up at the lake. The radio is playing:

Each time we meet, love
I find complete love
Without your sweet love
What would life be?

Tweaked the cannula a little last night. Slept 6 hours and only slight headache. Scoutie pressed against my legs.

Yesterday was no nap after only 2 hrs sleep: I could not surrender consciousness that night, took more courage than I could muster. And of course that became the day of endless intrusions, maintenance crew, deliveries, phone calls, new "How are WE today" nurse...Today at the least I have a carotid doppler at some point. Get the AC freon checked. Call the Gilead social worker.

I need my own personal pulse oximeter. Nurse said WalMart had 'em for $25, $15 less than elsewhere. Add it to the list. My sat when she got here, after I'd been off O2 for a few hours, was 90%. Went back up to 95 after I pulled into 2 liters for five minutes. Math I must manage now, in addition to carbizmas.

Dinah's weekly vet visit reveals she has gained back all the half-pound she lost last week -- Zillah remarked "That cat, she's tricky". Diplomatic way to put it. Scout has now developed feline acne on the right side of her chin and we commenced treatment with hydrogen peroxide today, under strenuous ginger protest.

Margot got a chance last night to watch Clare Balding's latest documentary about the suffragettes and agrees with me as to its excellence. I recommend it without reservation; don't know when it will reach the American airwaves. I also avidly watched and appreciated the Time Team special about the tsunami on England's northeast coast about 8000 years ago that permanently altered Brit geography and culture.

But the best thing on TV, hands down, is "The Fall": extraordinary writing, as good as "Broadchurch" and visiting the same general theme from a completely different perspective. The role allocated to Gillian Anderson's character is that of a woman who refuses to operate within "female" boundaries, and how she handles the resultant dehumanization with her assumed masculinity. Now that they have added in Archie Punjabi (KALINDA!!!) as her medical officer, my fascination is absolute. Apparently it is the highest viewed BBC show in years and they have already signed on a second series. I only wish American TV would give female actors such complicated, intelligent characters as in "The Fall" or "Scott & Bailey".


Wednesday, May 29, 2013


Spherical colonites of Nostoc commune, a bluegreen algae, photo by Gerd Guenther

I just finished another visit with my new MD, Doctor Matt. She is going to do another blood panel to recheck my thyroid, in particular, but her main impression is that I am at dire risk from sleep apnea of fairly recent onset. The oxygen tank will remain until I can get a sleep study with a firm diagnosis.

As usual, insurance and money is the hurdle. I can't get to a sleep lab without ambulance transpo, and Medicare won't cover a non-emergent ride. My home nursing agency appears to have figured out a way for me to have an in-home study, but are trying get around the 20% Medicare copay which may well amount to $1000. I will let you know how this goes. I think my life is going to hinge on treatment around this.

Just had a good cry with Tammi patting my arm and Scoutie standing on me anxiously. What I keep feeling at the moment, besides fear, is luck -- lucky to have this new doctor, lucky for the people around me who won't let me sink like a stone. And lucky to have a machine feeding me air. Air is a blessing.


Monday, May 27, 2013



We are given more sensory apparatus than we can handle
at once. Maturity means learning to ignore.
Time elephant-charges by us or stalls out
(You know that's true) .
We obey two rules: stay alive, and
write a story to fit the chaos. What you do for me
is listen. All I ever wanted.


by Maggie Jochild, written 27 May 2013, 10:23 p.m.