THROW-BACK THURSDAY: MAGGIE AND AMANDA THE PANDA, 1982, SANTA CRUZ

Me right after I was given almost-life-sized stuffed panda whom I named Amanda. Visiting Santa Cruz in 1982. Photo taken by Sue Ellen Pector, who gave me the panda.

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THROW-BACK THURSDAY: AT MI TIERRA RESTAURANT, 1998

(Me at Mi Tierra Restaurant in San Antonio, Texas, 1998, 

shortly before I had to start using a cane everywhere)

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THROW-BACK THURSDAY, "TO BURN A WITCH" 1973, MONTAGUE COUNTY, TEXAS

My junior and senior years in high school (1972-1973), I was persuaded by my beloved English teacher, Miss Duff, to participate in the statewide one-act-play contest. Our tiny rural school had no budget and no stage, and boys refused to do anything as faggy as acting, but Miss Duff tracked down plays with miniscule casts and props yet tremendous dramatic opportunity. The first year, doing the recognition scene from "Anastasia", our play won second in the district, which astonished everyone. Even more striking, I won Best Actress. The following year, we did "To Burn A Witch" and I was cajoled into the role of Dame Stanley, the horrid old Puritan who is interrogating the girls to determine if they are witches. Our play was passed over but I once again won Best Actress. This is me in my costume right before the first performance.

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THROW-BACK THURSDAY: KOLKATA 1956

My family when we lived in Kolkata during my infancy/toddler years: L-R, Nilmoni (my ayah), Craig (my older brother, at that point a pedophile-in-training), my mother Mary Jo Atkins Barnett, and me in her arms. Photograph taken by my father, Harold Barnett.

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THROW-BACK THURSDAY: AT MAMA'S GRAVE WITH MY TRIBE, NOVEMBER 1985

L-R: Cameron Hubbe, Maggie Jochild, Sarah Hubbe, Holly Wilder, at Rose Hill Cemetery in Denton, Texas

In November 1985 I drove across country from SF to Texas and back with my then-lover, her sister, and my best friend. We visited places where I had lived, my lover's grandparents had lived, a gay male college friend in Phoenix, and eventually my mother's grave. I became swamped by memories and ossified painful emotion, and was horrible to be around by the end of the journey. A long expedition which raked open a lot more than it resolved.

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THROW-BACK THURSDAY: 5 AUGUST 1985, DOLORES PARK, SF

Throw-Back Thursday: Me and my best friend Holly at a birthday picnic for me, 5 August 1985, in Dolores Park, SF. No, we are not kissing. Photo taken by my lover at the time.

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THROWBACK THURSDAY: TODDLERHOOD IN KOLKATA, 1957-58

This is me playing domestic in our big living room in Kolkata, India. It's so early I haven't gotten dressed yet. 

I don't remember the broom or matching mop. The toys I really longed for were the boy's things given to my older brother: a Carroms game, erector set, cap guns. Even more, I longed for thick black socks instead of the wispy white ones I had to wear, and sturdy shorts and T-shirts instead of petticoats and sunsuits. I want to move without limitation and no worries about staining or tearing my attire.

 I wanted boys' freedom, not the sex itself -- which even then I was smart enough to know had NOTHING to do with the rules being handed out.

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THROW-BACK THURSDAY: ADOLESCENCE OF A SEXUAL ABUSE SURVIVOR

Throw-Back Thursday: Six photos from age 12 to age 18.

In the first of these, at age 12 [1967, 7th grade, Dilley], my molestation had stopped but could recur at any point. I took steps that autumn to remove myself from his reach by siding with my father against my mother and demanding we take a job offer in Brazil. I was still wondering if I could have gotten pregnant. The dress I am wearing here represents a class shame I simply cannot write about.

The next one [9th grade, 1969], after our return from Brasil, was in Stoneburg where I experienced my first real freedom.

The third, at age 15 [10th grade, 1970, Stoneburg -- I made the dress I'm wearing], was when I was falling in love for the first time with a girl.

The fourth [age 16, junior year, 1971, Stoneburg] was after I'd started being mistreated by that first love (of course whom I chose turned out to be a sexual predator of children -- not long after this, she later raped my little brother).

In the fifth one [age 17, senior year, 1972, Stoneburg], I had just become lovers with someone new, five years my elder and very controlling.

In the sixth, my second year of college [1974, age 19, Denton], I was still emerging from a nervous breakdown brought on by poverty, shame, and being cheated on by my second lover with my first. Feminism was just arriving in my personal world to help me make sense of it all.

 These are hard memories and tough years. Recovery was a long way off and 2000 miles away.

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THROWBACK THURSDAY IN SANDERSON, TEXAS, 1961

 

For Throwback Thursday: This is my first-grade picture taken in Sanderson, Texas, early fall of 1961, when I was six. We had been taken to the auditorium for photos, set up on the small stage. I was told sternly to not turn my head, but something interesting was going on in the wings so I was determined to get a look at whatever it was. And the shot was taken at that moment. My mother was furious with me at first. The dress was shades of brown and quite pretty with my coloring. Last black-and-white school photo I had.

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THROWBACK THURSDAY: COUNTRY EXPERIENCE FOR YOUNG WIMMIN, NEAR WILLITS, CA, 1978

Throwback Thursday: I'm at the Country Experience for Young Wimmin run by Sage Mountainfire near Willits, California, summer 1978. My standard uniform outside the city -- when I was wearing clothes at all.

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THROWBACK THURSDAY: AGE 16 IN MY TRAILER BEDROOM

 

Throw Back Thursday: Me at age 16 (1971) in my trailer bedroom. The paper hanging from the light contains one of my poems, and on the wall behind me is a collage I made. Please, please ignore the kitten prints. I took this to send to a girl I was chasing. The cat with me died of hydrocephalus a few months later and we had (brutally) named her Retard. Extreme rural Stoneburg, Texas. Not visible on the ceiling above me was an Easy Rider poster. Things change.

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