Saturday, March 22, 2014
DOES IT HURT WHEN I PRESS HERE?
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Maggie Jochild
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10:19 AM
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Labels: Dinah, disability, personal journal
Thursday, February 27, 2014
SINGING FOR MY SCRAPS
Tammi is out now getting copies, etc, preparing the last of my 20 page financial review portion of the Star Plus application. Exact same form I filled out earlier this month for food stamps, but when I called to see if one HHS department could share their info with the other department, I got a merry laugh and then a quote about the penalities of providing incorrect information. Your Republican "cost-cutting" process at work, all you fuckers who have voted for Dubya and Perry.
In other news, the cats are sequestered from each other all but five hours a day. I spend nights with Scout, afternoons with Dinah, and am always missing one of them, it feels like. But it is keeping Dinah eating. I need a cat whispered to come in and rewire Scoutie's brain.
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Labels: Dinah, disability, personal journal, poverty, Scout
Friday, May 31, 2013
SO NEVER LEAVE ME LONELY
Awakening from a dream in which I have a lover with two beefy / teefy / blondie teenage boys. We are driving down a dirt road to pick them up at the lake. The radio is playing:
Each time we meet, love
I find complete love
Without your sweet love
What would life be?
Tweaked the cannula a little last night. Slept 6 hours and only slight headache. Scoutie pressed against my legs.
Yesterday was no nap after only 2 hrs sleep: I could not surrender consciousness that night, took more courage than I could muster. And of course that became the day of endless intrusions, maintenance crew, deliveries, phone calls, new "How are WE today" nurse...Today at the least I have a carotid doppler at some point. Get the AC freon checked. Call the Gilead social worker.
I need my own personal pulse oximeter. Nurse said WalMart had 'em for $25, $15 less than elsewhere. Add it to the list. My sat when she got here, after I'd been off O2 for a few hours, was 90%. Went back up to 95 after I pulled into 2 liters for five minutes. Math I must manage now, in addition to carbizmas.
Dinah's weekly vet visit reveals she has gained back all the half-pound she lost last week -- Zillah remarked "That cat, she's tricky". Diplomatic way to put it. Scout has now developed feline acne on the right side of her chin and we commenced treatment with hydrogen peroxide today, under strenuous ginger protest.
Margot got a chance last night to watch Clare Balding's latest documentary about the suffragettes and agrees with me as to its excellence. I recommend it without reservation; don't know when it will reach the American airwaves. I also avidly watched and appreciated the Time Team special about the tsunami on England's northeast coast about 8000 years ago that permanently altered Brit geography and culture.
But the best thing on TV, hands down, is "The Fall": extraordinary writing, as good as "Broadchurch" and visiting the same general theme from a completely different perspective. The role allocated to Gillian Anderson's character is that of a woman who refuses to operate within "female" boundaries, and how she handles the resultant dehumanization with her assumed masculinity. Now that they have added in Archie Punjabi (KALINDA!!!) as her medical officer, my fascination is absolute. Apparently it is the highest viewed BBC show in years and they have already signed on a second series. I only wish American TV would give female actors such complicated, intelligent characters as in "The Fall" or "Scott & Bailey".
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12:18 PM
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Labels: Dinah, disability, personal journal, pop culture, poverty, Scout
Sunday, May 19, 2013
HAITCH TWO OH AND HYPERGONADISM, ETC
Skwirl con cajones gigantes
I still am not sure how to evaluate what the nightly oxygen is doing: Mostly good, certainly going to continue it. I wake up with daily headaches but they are lessening. My morning sugars have plummeted, is that related? I am frequently sweaty at night. I am sleeping longer but still desperately needing daily naps. So something else is still going on. At least Scoutie has now, finally, relaxed about the new Monsser at bedside.
In fact, Scout had a major breakthrough this week -- she can now leap up onto Dinah's eyrie. So keeping her from Dinah's wet food is a fucking issue again, and Dinah's weight gain (another tenth of a pound this week) may be in jeopardy. Further, in figuring out the route aloft Scout sent a massive stack of books and boxes crashing to the floor in the study. After that happened, Dinah refused to answer my calls or come within sight for 12 hours overnight, leaving me to imagine her lying dead or dying beneath a heavy pile. I once again lay awake for hours, sick with dread, wondering whether to wake up Win and Sheldon for an energency call. But at 9 am, Tammi arrived and said Dinah was in the other room, smirking as I begged out her name. It is a real piece of work to love that cat.
I spent some time last night reading what turned up for a Google search of "squirrel testicles". We had a new raider at the burd feeder, a squirrel with unbelievably engorged scrotal balloons in variegated colours. My research revealed this is their high breeding season and yes, they do swell and change hue when the hormones are in full use. But I could not find an image to compare with our guy, whom I have named Zucco Skwirl. Even the examples in the attached video are only half the gonadal size of our Zucco Skwirl. He joins our recognition list, along with Mama Skwirl, Finger Skwirl (one of the fingers on her right front paw is deformed into a permanent fuck-you finger), and the late Overreaction Skwirl, who died horrifically in front of Margot the first day of her visit here last month. No, you do NOT want to know what happened.
I decided to not hand on the note nurse Jessica wrote to the tweaker about my Foley mishandling. Earlier I'd asked the tweak to read aloud some cooking instructions on a bag of rice, and I realized while she is technicall literate, I could argue against full reading comprehension. And Jessica's note was emphatically angry. Instead, I set aside any impatience and kindly, creatively taught her how a Foley functions using some spare nasal cannula tubing and a poet's vocabulary. She got it, she really did, and her hands-on cleaning of me shifted. We both felt triumphant. I'll have to re-do it next weekend, she cannot retain, but such is attendant reality.
I also took this morning's shift to pass on what I know about cooking potatoes, rice, and aromatics. Wound up with some great dishes for lunch and dinner, imparted real food skills maybe she will use elsewhere, and feel grateful to have had enough extra energy to manage it. Oxygen? It's a GOOD thing.
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Labels: attendant care, Dinah, disability, personal journal, Scout, wildlife
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
HERDING BURDS
She has discovered that if she backs up onto my bed and runs headlong at the glass, the avian mass outside cannot help but panic and fly off with a whoosh of feathers. She never gets tired of this. Equally stimulating is their response when someone moves up the sidewalk rapidly, making them feel temporarily trapped on the patio and schooling like sardines to find a way out.
The spud-brained doves and all the little chickadees who never met a conspiracy theory they didn't like are particularly prone to such panics. The former will run out of flight room and hit my window with meaty impacts that make me fear the putty will give. The latter little rattatats against glass leave me convinced they will stun themselves and fall to the concrete senseless. I think Scout envisions such a result as well and imagines herself scooping up the helpless strew into a suddenly tiger-sized maw.
It's kept her quivering and busy for two days. Except for when Dinah stiffly emerges and claims the mustard corduroy chair for herself, driving Scoutie off to knock about other apartment acres and mutter high little protests.
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Tuesday, March 26, 2013
FEEDING OTHER LIFEFORMS
I've had a very persistent skwirrul who is cleaning out anything I put out earlier in the day. It was lean and diligent, and I eventually got irritated about how often it was showing up here -- until I noticed it was a young she with clear signs of nursing at her lower belly nipples. A first-time mother, then, trying to survive in the recently decimated woods next door. I realized I am the lifeline for her and those babies.
Well, then, I've been augmenting with pistachios, beans, peanut butter, in addition to cracked corn, sunflower seeds, and old ricecakes. Last night at 5:00 we set out an overripe banana for the possums, and damned if Mother S didn't venture back one last night in the near dark and down that entire banana. Potassium for her little ones, no doubt.
Pris the Pale (possum) shows up most nights, eats quickly and scrambles down to forage elsewhere, but Tate, less frequent, always loiters. Because the level of leftovers has gone up, we've also had irritating raids from Rambo the Raccoon. Night before last, Tate was esconsed in the birdfeeder metal tray when Rambo showed up, balanced himself on the iron fence railing, and began trying to shove Tate from his perch. Tate went wall-eyed, yawed wide his dentiferous maw, and refused to budge. Rambo violently shook the metal pole, and I thought for sure I'd see clumsy Tate once again hit the concrete like a fleshy meteor, but he managed to hang on.
Scoutie was beside herself in the window. When the night critters arrive, she will urgently swivel her head to fix on me the selfsame beckoning glance that little Lukas Haas leveled on Harrison Ford in the police station during Witness, before resuming her fur-tingling observation. Rambo eventually snaked his agile hand underneath Tate to steal a crust of bread and then vacated the premises. Tate trembled for a long while but kept that night's leftover pasta for his victorious self.
Things inside our house have taken another turn. Dinah is feeling well enough to scale a stack of storage bins near my bed, where from a lofty eight feet perch she can see into every room but is nearly invisible herself. This is typical Dinah, as she used to be. So far, Scoutie has not figured out an ascent path she feels confident of taking to the new territory. Although she clearly has out her kitteh theodolite, her bulk and lack of Dinah's antigrav boots keep her circling below in frustration: It would be a four-foot straight-up leap from a cluttered shelf below.
Once Scout's limit became clear, I began putting Dinah's wet food bowl up high with her, removing it from my surveillance with relief. This means she can stay out here with us at night. But of course, Dinah has to make this a not win-win situation. She is now refusing to eat her wet food at night, instead filling up on the (expensive, healthy, but very low-fat) W/D kibble instead and spurning the Weruva and Fancy Feast.
For the week, I'm letting her make her own choices. She visits me during the night for petting, clearly loves looking down on Scout, and (perversely) still tries to wake me early to refill a still-full bowl. Last week she held her own, neither gaining nor losing. But if she loses weight this week, I will start locking her up again to make her eat overnight. I also fear the destruction that will occur when Scoutie decides to just effin go for it and hurl herself toward Dinah's pinnacle.
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10:14 AM
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Labels: Dinah, personal journal, possums, Scout
Monday, December 3, 2012
NOTHING BEETS THIS LIFE
Margot has adorably bound her hair into a bun using a red plastic sword as anchor. No wonder I love this woman.
I had PT this morning with Eddie and Margot an observor. Because the room is rearranged for cohabitation, I did not have the black shelves as my usual handhold, so I was forced to get sitting upright in a different manner. To my pleasure, I managed it. Despite waves of deep vertigo and pain, I sat up for 12 minutes while Eddie walked me through resistance challenges to my core. Scout was in avid attendance, and Margot's face was luminous.
When it was time for me to go back down, I did so as smoothly as an able-bodied person, with that kind of fluidity and control -- my legs did exactly what I asked of them. A first. We all burst forth spontaneously into a cheer when this happened. and Scout streaked away into the other room.
I have been pushing water and rebuilding stamina since; I was left my usual depleted and shaky self. But with M here calling me a hero. After Eddie left, I wept on her shoulder. This is as hard an effort as humans face, my beloveds. And incrementally slow progress. Yet it is progress.
Yesterday M massaged my shoulders and somehow eradicated the pain in both: A miracle, as far as I am concerned. The rotator cuff problem in the left has this morning resurfaced, but my right is still fluid and unhurting. She has also renovated my feet entirely.
Dinner last night was spectacular: Massive portobellos stuffed with shallots, garlic butter, provolone, ricotta, and panko; a Romaine salad with paper-thin slices of fresh radish, grape red and yellow tomatoes, toasted pecans, and peppery hot radish sprouts; and for me a roux to into which leftover roast beef had been shredded. Lunch today is imminent: roasted golden and pink-striped baby beets with roasted potatoes, shallots, carrots and garlic; mustard greens; and more of the leftover roux. Plus for M the last of the homemade whole-grain mac-n-cheese I made for the day of her arrival.
Scout is blissed out by getting to sleep with the both of us, moving from one to the other during the night. Dinah is also a frequent presence, allowing M the kind of mush and contact nobody else dares impose on her cranky self. For those who wondered, the "Dinah-charming" song is Dinah won't you blow followed by Someone's in the kitchen with Dinah -- she knows it is about her and melts as much as she ever does when I croon it to her.
Scout does not as yet have a song. Are there any songs out there with scout in the lyrics?
We have watched occasional episodes of University Challenge, deriding Jeremy Paxman but between the two of us coming up with a respectable number of answers. We also watched a special featuring Bill Bailey and an orchestra backing him as he talked about music, highly entertaining and informative. I go to sleep rapidly and deliciously when M is beside me, and we have been waking up together with a shared need to ingest caffeine before attempting anything like conversation -- a habit I wish the whole world emulated.
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Labels: Dinah, disability, food, Margot, personal journal, Scout
Friday, November 16, 2012
THE INFINITE FUN OF FOOLING KITTENS
However, I kept a tight grip on the wand and the cord slid smoothly out her teeth. We have endlessly repeated my tease, her pounce, and then her gallop away, eyes and tail high, looking like Custer streaking for the Little Big Horn. (You can almost hear the strains of Garry Owen in the air.) Only to be foiled by it eluding even her cleverest grip, as she moves higher up the cord or wraps it around a paw.
She utters a tiny high MEEP of frustration as the sinuous adder wriggles loose again. To get hands-free to write this, I pretended to throw the wand, then quickly hid it under a blanket. She missed the sleight of hand but still knows I am To Blame, and has come to search my palm, the keyboard, and even sniff my hair irritably.
She has a hot temper, that one. I am starting to think of her as choosing Rosie O'Donnell for a role model. While Dinah is pure Callista Gingrich.
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Thursday, November 15, 2012
FORTIFLORA FOR ALL
Tammi had a cooking marathon, making wholegrain/flax/blueberry pancakes to be reheated for the next several days; steamed Yukon Gold potatoes; and Indian-spice-marinated pork cutlet for my dinner tonight. We already have stewed tomatoes and home-poached chicken for lunch today. Plus I get to have my weekly banana for dessert, a real treat.
I bought FortiFlora from the vet yesterday as it is making Dinah eat whatever it is sprinked on; she cleared out a bowl of W/D kibble last night. She will not touch the probiotics I already had. This new stuff costs $1 a day but at the moment I will delay another bill to get food inside her. She and Scout double-teamed to wake me up an hour early today, in part by squabbling over the damned empty bowl.
I created a Wish List of stuff I need and stuff I want, will post it at my blog. This seemed like a good visalization counter-balance to all the end-of-life documents Marj and I are preparing. I plan to go on living, and might as well daydream about what that could include.
Two weeks from today, Margot will arrive...
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Maggie Jochild
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11:56 AM
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Labels: Dinah, disability, personal journal, poverty, Scout
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Thursday, November 5, 2009
PERSONAL UPDATE 5 NOVEMBER 2009
Too long for Twitter, again: Dinah prowled and wailed every half hour all night long. I'd call to her and she'd come at a trot, need extensive contact to stop vocalizing. I had an endless fount of reassurance. I can hardly take in how painful this separation must have been for her. Finally, mid morning, she slept on my chest and then slept two feet away on the bed. Whenever I noticed her eyes opening, I'd tell her how much I love her, need her, missed her.
I found a long-lost cat toy near my bed, which nearly broke my heart -- I can imagine her trying to bring it to me, only to remember I was gone. We played with it for a while. Also have had regular dispensing of treats. Despite her food bowl being empty, she's not lost weight, and she's eaten from the refilled bowl but not ravenously. I think she figured out the big bag of cat food here by my desk was not sealed tight and helped herself, which is a relief.
Early afternoon the news about the shootings at Fort Hood broke into Rachael Ray locally and I followed that off and on, except when KBH or Chris Matthews were on the screen. I can't access wifi in my bedroom on my little netbook and don't have a cord to reach into my study where my main PC is, but at the moment the solitude -- or rather, being alone with Dinah -- is still an enormous pleasure. I need to sleep and dream a lot more. Scenes from Ginny Bates, past and not yet written, keep breezing through my head. They are some kind of palate cleanser for the hospital experience, I think.
I am lucky as Myra (the main character based on me in Ginny Bates, who wins the lottery as well as love). I know much of my luck has faces, names, heartbeats. I am reminded of the poem by my bed, written about in a post of mine at Meta from March 2008:
THE UNDERTAKING
The darkness lifts, imagine, in your lifetime.
There you are - cased in clean bark you drift
through weaving rushes, fields flooded with cotton.
You are free. The river films with lilies,
shrubs appear, shoots thicken into palm. And now
all fear gives way: the light
looks after you, you feel the waves' goodwill
as arms widen over the water; Love
the key is turned. Extend yourself -
it is the Nile, the sun is shining,
everywhere you turn is luck.
(by Louise Glück, from The House on Marshland)
(Dinah above my computer, May 2005)[Cross-posted at Group News Blog.]
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6:31 PM
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Labels: Dinah, Louise Glück, memoir, Personal Update
Monday, September 14, 2009
TIDAL MONDAY

Contending with a headache that keeps coming back. Probably linked to hormonal crap, as there are other signs of that. Behind on work. Not enough money to buy medications. But wanted to say a few things...
Yesterday it never reached 90 degrees as a high. Last night the low was below 70 degrees. This is the first time in months and months that either has occurred. Plus, we got Rain. Even so, with the relief, I kept thinking about it being the anniversary of Hurricane Ike all weekend. Galveston has nowhere near recovered, may never recover. All the lives and livelihoods lost.
During my coverage of the aftermath last year, I looked through hundreds or thousands of photographs online. And there was one -- I'm not even going to tell you what it was about, except it showed what must have been a long, agonizing death. I wish I hadn't seen it. I wish I could wipe it from my mind. It haunts me still.
One of the "hormonal signs" is that my sleep is all awry. I keep dropping off at odd times and not sleeping through a complete cycle. This plays havoc on an already challenged body. The new TV season is not yet arrived, and I'm not sure it will be much good when it does get here. Except for those PBS documentaries and science shows, g*d bless them.
I watched one last night about the history and impact of Helvetica. Yeah, the font. It was utterly fascinating and raised more questions than I know how to answer. It's yet another source of brainwashing and homogeneity. Will we ever throw off corporate control of our lives? Postmodernism can go FUCK itself. Clarity does not equal communication or respect. Reacting against something does not produce new ideas or energy if that's all you're doing. These are a few of my sub rosa reactions.
(Dinah as a kitten in November 2001)
Tomorrow Dinah turns 8 years old. She usually comes and sits by me when I create the LOLCats weekly round-up, which is a little unsettling because I know she's not registering the photos, it must be something I'm generating energetically to attract her. Or the occasional zany laughter. I'd give her a special treat tomorrow except she doesn't like wet food or human food, only kibble and Whisker Lick'n treats, both of which she gets on demand. I guess I can pick up some of the red rings scattered around and throw them all day so she can run around like a maniac, that will make her happier.
("States United" map from Strange Maps
I've noticed that in the blogs I like to read first/most often, there's a serious collective movement underway to unroof the bedrock racism of what's being aimed at Obama in the name of "anti-socialism" or the teabagger reactionaries. A solid group of us are naming names and making a list, and I feel good being part of this effort. A few of them have written me private e-mails or linked to me. More are using ideas I raised without credit, but perhaps it was their idea simultaneously, that happens when an inevitable realization sweeps the minds of thinking folks. There is also a concurrent decision to call out crazy where crazy appears, differentiating delusion from those who foment and prey on delusion. It has libertarians very, very upset out there. My name has been bandied about with extreme negativity. Oops.
It reminds me of how outraged hippie and counterculture boys were when women started demanding equal rights. Like, we were trashing their good times by pointing out what THEY were doing that was sinking the possibility of real, enduring change.
I never enjoyed "Happy Days", just like I find "That 70's Show" unwatchable. You have to ignore huge segments of the population to pretend like the 1950s or the 1970s were lighthearted, with only rock and dope added to what is (in Hollywood-land) still all about white boys looking for sex.
Here's some of those fighting the Very Good Fight: Jill Cozzi at Brilliant at Breakfast; Richard Blair at All Spin Zone; Crooks and Liars in general, but especially Mike Finnegan's daily blog round-up and DO GO READ Nonny Mouse's recent post Stoopid Peepul ; Hullaballoo in general but especially Digby, Tristero and DDay; Batocchio at Vagabond Scholar; Michael's incisive analysis of current images at BAGNewsNotes; Echidne (24/7) for Real Feminism and astute take-downs of pseudoscience; and, while I always read my friend Kat's BitchCraft, her latest post (Challenging Art and Our Educations) promoting her friend -m-'s reaction to seeing Judy Chicago's "Dinner Party" for the first time is extremely good.
(The Dinner Party by Judy Chicago)
Yeah, Kat and -m-, we been robbed. We coulda been a contender. However, unlike Marlon Brando, we are still alive and still able to lace on gloves. Even with this damned headache, I'm not dead yet.
To give thanks in another direction, I'm a big fan of the adventure games produced by Sandlot Games, which assuredly must have some really really smart women designing product. The entire Tradewinds series has been female-friendly and good on a number of oppression issues -- for instance, when you have the option of creating your own character, some of the images you can select from are actually fat. And the people of color are not Cosby-women-light. However, their latest, Tradewinds Odyssey, set in ancient Greece, is outstanding in its non-sexist portrayal of genders, its inside humor, and its clever rethinking of myth and history. For instance, when one dimwitted god or king (can't remember who it was) says he wants something sparkly to get himself a woman because "Girls like shiny things, right?", the hero replies "I think you're confusing girls with crows". Zing!
Even better, during one quest the Minotaur's sister is trying to help her discriminated-against brother (lots of disabled-rights messages in this one), and she turns to the Amazons for assistance. Once she's done with her part of the story, she announces that Hippolyta has created a "women's commune" that she's going to join because she's decided to come out. It's couched in other language, but the message is clear. Right ON!
(Tradewinds Odyssey screenshot)
Okay, back to typing emergency room reports of people who've arrived with far progressed conditions because they don't have insurance and couldn't afford to see a doctor back when a simple prescription or low-cost treatment would have interrupted a downward spiral. We can't afford NOT to have universal health care any more. Do the math, stoopid.
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9:13 AM
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Labels: BAGNewsNotes, BitchCraft, Brilliant At Breakfast, Crooks and Liars, daily journal, Dinah, Echidne of the Snakes, Helvetica, Hullaballoo, The Dinner Party, Tradewinds Odyssey, Vagabond Scholar
Sunday, April 26, 2009
SIFTING THE NEWS
(Liquid Kachina, acrylic on canvas by James Wille Faust)
I was just directed to a news item from Radio Netherlands which states:
"The Czech authorities have ordered the former Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan to leave the country by midnight on Saturday. David Duke, a US national, had been invited to Prague by a number of neo-Nazi groups to celebrate the presentation of a translation of his book.
"The Czech authorities say the book denies the extent of the Holocaust and approves of it and other Nazi crimes. On Friday evening, Czech police detained Mr Duke on suspicion of denying the Holocaust, an offence punishable by up to three years in jail in the Czech Republic."
I find this very heartening, and wish there was some way to similarly deny him re-entry to the U.S.
I also thought of how, when Duke was running for Governor of Louisiana, a member of my family decided to relocate from Texas to Louisiana because they hoped to live in a state under his leadership. Yep, blood kin to me. Hard for me to admit. I believe a lot of people can be reached and given a roadmap to change, probably most people, but I have given up on that relative.
It's been a tough week here in Maggieland, in some respects, and I'm looking for good news wherever I can find it. If there is a global pandemic of the swine flu, I may be one of the survivors because I have no human contact and thus no means of transmission. Of course, without outside help to deliver groceries, I'll also starve to death, that is if the utility infrastructure stays operational, so I'll call that one a draw.
Last week I undertook some physically demanding tasks around my house which I have been literally putting off for months. I pushed myself through the pain and strain to get 'em done, and felt virtuous as I collapsed in bed for the next 36 hours, in severe muscular distress. One of the tasks was to finally get my DTV converter box working, on the third try. (The difficulty lay in accessing all the equipment, plus dead batteries in the new remote control which took me an unconscionably long time to troubleshoot.) So, as I was laid up, I had sudden access to wildly improved reception and a range of channels I hadn't ever gotten before, including a PBS side channel that shows cooking, garden, and home improvement shows around the clock. Or, as Jesse remarked, "crack cocaine" for the likes of me.
I had a second relapse in Saturday, with prolonged bouts of vomiting which is a new development after profound exertion and muscular stress. I'm up at my computer with caution, choosing not to eat or take any risks with my body for the time being.
(Carrots at Boggy Creek Farm: Yellow, Orange, Maroon, White...)During my down time this week, I was thrilled to find that one of these shows, called "Cultivating Life" with host Sean Conway, featured a tour of our own Boggy Creek Farm, an urban organic intensive farm here in Austin, including a delightful interview with Carol Ann, one of the owners and who I think of as "my farm gal". They re-ran it and I watched it a second time through, nostalgic for the smell and look of the place itself.
(Acarajé frying, photo by Joao Eduardo Penna de Carvalho) I was also taken back to my past by Daisy Martinez on her excellent cooking show when she made acarajé, a dish we ate from street vendors when I lived for a year as a girl in Brasil. When I was grown, my mother and I back-engineered the recipe and it's been a favorite of mine ever since. I included the dish in my novel, and have written about it as memoir, including the recipe, and in a poem, both located in my post Brasil As A Girl.
I watched the second installment of "We Shall Remain", the PBS documentary series purporting to be a history of Native Americans. I've decided it's deeply flawed, both in approach and some of the content. I didn't realize until this episode that Ric Burns was involved with it, and his weaknesses are definitely evident -- he has a hard time with the macro view, always leaving a glaring gap. And, in particular, he is absorbed with the male gaze: His inclusion of women and girls is too often incidental and distorted. With this series, the speakers and focus has been overwhelmingly male-dominated, which is particularly galling to me given how First Nations culture prior to white overrun had a gender balance that we often fail to comprehend.
For instance, this second episode concerned Tecumseh, a Shawnee military strategist who came close to shutting down U.S. expansion into the Midwest, creating a pan-Indian confederation the likes of which has never been accomplished before or since. Tecumseh worked in collaboration with his brother Lowawluwaysica, a prophet and spiritual leader who emerged from near-death due to alcoholism to re-invent himself (as Tenskwatawa) and inspire all who came into contact with him.
The obvious question is, how did these two men become such brilliant leaders and innovative thinkers, especially at a time when Native culture was under profound assault, having suffered at least two generations of disruption from epidemic and attempted white genocide? At one point, the documentary refers to the fact that because of constant warfare, the male Shawnee population had been dramatically reduced, and in some villages there were four females to every one male. But this is glancingly referred to as a toxic imbalance. At another point, it is mentioned that Tecumseh's father died when he was seven, which is around the time his younger brother was born. This means that these boys were raised with strong female influence and a widowed mother. But no exploration of how this might play a role in their singular development is ever undertaken, and indeed, their mother is never named. Nor is any other female in the entire 90 minutes, despite the fact that someone had to be doing the farming, home construction and maintenance, making clothing, tending the ill and wounded among these warriors, as well as raising the next generation. But Burns doesn't find it worthy of mention.
What a fucking joke. I wish Paula Gunn Allen. were still alive to make her opinion about it known. However, even in death, she has something pertinent to say: "I have noticed that as soon as you have soldiers the story is called history. Before their arrival it is called myth, folktale, legend, fairy tale, oral poetry, ethnography. After the soldiers arrive, it is called history."
(Paula Gunn Allen. Oakland, California, 1988; photo by Robert Giard)Also this week (Friday) was the 25th yartzeit of Mama's death. How can it be 25 years I've gone without her? You know, even with my imagination, I cannot grasp in my mind the ways in which she would have grown and changed by now, had she lived.
Since Dinah's mysterious illness a couple of months ago and my freak-out about it, she and I are much closer, interacting in a different way. I make sure not to ever take her for granted, and in turn, she's allowing more tactile affection between us. It's quite the blessing.
I feel I should also inform those of you who are readers of my novel, Ginny Bates, that there are six months left of the story as I intended this (initial) book to be -- I designed it to end in June 2020. Further, this does not mean the remaining chapters will extend over the next six months in real time. I think it may be over in six weeks or perhaps two months. Of course, I've created characters who will go on, with a third generation emerging, and I'm definitely planning to continue the joy of writing. But I don't have the draft in hand that I did of this first monster effort, and I'm not sure if I should keep posting much rawer, new material, without the intricate structure and plot development I had devised for what I've done so far. Let me know if you have thoughts on the matter.
I'm now going to lie down, drink some water, and see if Jacques or Julia (or Ming or Daisy) have something diverting to show me. Dinah is sitting on the back of my chair, chirruping about treats and possibly throwing a toy for her to chase. Catch you later.
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Labels: acarajé, cooking shows, daily journal, David Duke, Dinah, disability, Ginny Bates, Mary Jo Atkins Barnett, memoir, Native American history, We Shall Remain
Saturday, April 4, 2009
OUT OF THIN AIR

I ran across an old packet of incense someone once gave me, and I have lit a stick over my computer workstation here. The smell brings back the 1970s, and the small tendril of smoke has been fascinating to Dinah, who thinks it might be alive. Of course, she has additional reason for that delusion today. More about that in a minute.
I noticed, when I opened the incense box, that it was manufactured by the followers of Sai Baba. I have a long-time friend, older than me, who became a devotee of Sai Baba for a while, although I'm fairly certain it was not her who gave me this incense. She was a deeply pragmatic working-class Texan who had a gift for news photography. She also did reporting and was a DJ, before moving into sales because she was so good at reading people. When she took up Eastern religions, it was a bit unexpected but the humility and thrift actually fit her character. I made myself an interested listener, and loved the stories/slide shows she brought back from her pilgrimages.
Then, one day, my friend brought over a video of Sai Baba performing miracles at a retreat she attended. He wandered around, interacting with some folks but not others, and intermittently he "manifested" a string of beads or a small religious object into his palm, giving it away to the bedazzled person nearest him. The thing was, though, that it was patently obvious he was doing sleight of hand, shaking the things down from his flowing sleeves, and he wasn't even very good at it. My father was an amateur magician and he had more ability than Sai Baba. I looked around at my friend, waiting for the joke, but realized she didn't see the con. What she saw were miracles. I was rattled by her, of all people, being taken in. However, I had the kindness and grace to keep it to myself. If she needed to believe, who was I to demand my version of things?
My sleep these days continues to occur in inadequate chunks, partly for health reasons, partly because of my internal life. Bad dreams abound. Thus, I woke up early today and lay there for a few minutes trying to force myself back into slumber, to no avail. I had turned on the ceiling fan over my bed because it's getting up to around 80 every afternoon now. When Dinah realized I was awake, she appeared for arms'-length petting and a little chat.
So, I was awake when a largish black widow spider began lowering herself down a thread of silk from the central part of my ceiling fan. I spotted her when she was about 2.5 feet above me. I lunged to the side, as best I can with my current physical limitations, and scrambled to my walker beside the bed. Dinah initially froze in consternation -- quick movement is not something she expects from human beings, and she could read my anxiety. She looked around as if trying to decide which direction to run. Then she caught sight of the spider, who had stopped and was swaying gently in the air. Her pupils constricted and she went into a crouch.
I snatched up a spray can of a cleaner nearby, because I didn't have bug spray at hand, and aimed a jet at the spider. Dinah leapt to the top of my dresser, since I'd clearly gone mad, and divided her attention between me and the spider. It took a while for the spider to die. I actually like spiders, and even had a pet black widow in a jar for a while as a child. But I've also been bitten by them, and I now have a real fear of the pain they can cause. Eventually I was able to gather it up in a paper towel and bury it in the trash. Since then, Dinah has taken to watching open air for things which might appear, dangling, for her entertainment. If she could levitate enough to check out the sinuous plume of smoke from the incense, she would go after it.
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Labels: black widow spiders, daily journal, Dinah, Sai Baba
Monday, March 16, 2009
A POEM BY DINUH (KITTEN-WRITTEN)

teh luvly krunch uv tinie bonz
but its hart still beets
maybe it will try 2 git away
wun moar time
2 bad humins R so larj
they wud screem
and screem
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Sunday, March 15, 2009
DAILY JOURNAL: SASQUATCH, ADDICTION, AND THE FIRST RAIN IN MONTHS

I forgot to take my Zyrtec before I went to sleep this morning, so I woke up half an hour ago with a dull headache. I took a tablet belatedly (it's a 24-hour effect) and now will try to write my way through both the headache and the pill's drowsiness.
Dinah watched me leave the bedroom from her Cabe. She will be joining me soon, to request her daily treat and to try to find SOMETHING to do in this boring place. She is back entirely to her old self, which means mostly if I reach out to pet her without her having come to interrupt me and demand it, she recoils as if I have ricin on my hands.
I just got an e-mail from Barbara, the person who does such a fabulous job grocery shopping for me, that she is sick this week and cannot get to my list until next weekend. She's reliable and extremely good, so mostly I'm just feeling sympathy for her. And I'll be okay waiting. I'm low on cat treats but can ration them out, and have drank the last of my Coky-Cola so will go through withdrawal, but as I periodically try to quit my 10 oz daily habit anyhow, I'm familiar with the withdrawal. (More headaches.) 
I'm in good shape because, the highlight of my week, I got a care package from Little Gator. (Never sure if I should capitalize these cyber handles or not.) It was chock full of things I LOVE to eat, including whole wheat Barilla penne, tuna in water, canned chicken, pure canned pumpkin, the kind of bath soap I use, a few other things I can't recall at this still-not-entirely-awake instant, and a jar of handmade tomato sauce from Sicily. PLUS: A batch of Deep Shit cookies made by Little Gator herself. These are rolled cookies which look like cat turds -- if they are the variety with coconut flakes in them, then they look like cat turds with tapeworm segments. I'd heard of them but never tasted one. There are two versions, chocolate and ginger, and I actually ate them all the first day they arrived. Extraordinarily good. Dinah watched me with disbelief. Little Gator was also kind enough to send me the recipe, but I cannot share it with you because it appears to be a closely guarded secret.
This is the first food I've eaten that was made by someone else's hands in months and months.
Dinah still has not arrived at my desk. It's early in the day for me, and she hates it when I go off schedule. Perhaps she's gone back to sleep. If I'm in the same room, I can tell when she's deep in sleep because she snores softly.
Today is the last day of my free trial with Netflix. I've been on a viewing orgy. I went through two entire seasons of Weeds (the only two available) in two sittings, gorging myself. I have things to say about it later on. I watched almost half of the final Pirates of the Caribbean movie before becoming too bored and clicking off. The afterlife surreal scenes with Johnny Depp were fun, but otherwise it was predictable. I watched 21, about card counters, mostly for glimpses of math -- not a movie I'd recommend. (Amanda, if you're reading this, I know you're probably thinking "What did I expect with a Kevin Spacey movie?")
I watched several episodes of Good Neighbors, noting that the three supporting actors in the early series (Felicity Kendal, Penelope Keith and Paul Eddington) all went on to more fame than the billed star, Richard Briers. At least from this side of the pond. I adored Paul Eddington in Yes Minister and Yes Prime Minister. Not to mention Nigel Hawthorne, of course. And I'm currently enjoying a much older (and tastier) Felicity Kendal in Rosemary and Thyme on our local PBS station.
I rewatched an episode of Dead Like Me in mourning for where this incredible series could have gone (like Firefly). I checked out Mythbusters and found it entertaining. I also rewatched several Kolchak: The Night Stalker episodes -- Chris Carter said this was his main inspiration for The X-Files. I watched one episode of Walking With Dinosaurs but got tired of CGI gore. I watched several episodes of Terry Jones' Medieval Lives and found it extremely good -- Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones of the Pythons taking a mostly straightforward historical look at what life was actually like for various segments of the population during the Middle Ages. This is a series worth having on DVD, I think -- along with Terry Jones' examination of the origins of zero that was on PBS last year.
Speaking of Python alums, I won't have time to take in Michael Palin's Pole to Pole, but I caught a lot of this series on PBS. I do want to sample The Human Face with John Cleese before my deadline arrives. And perhaps check out Ripping Yarns.
I will not have time to view Elizabeth R or U-571 or My Kid Could Paint That, dammit. But I will make sure I watch Persepolis before midnight.
One thing I squeezed in during daylight hours earlier this week was the Ancient Mysteries episode on sasquatch. I gave a morbid fear of sasquatch to one of the main characters in my novel Ginny Bates, and it's based on my own paranoia. I thought I'd seen all the documentaries out there about this perhaps mythical creature, but this one was new to me and actually quite good, taking a hard look at the science, pro and con, without sensationalism. I watched it eight hours before bedtime, worried it would set off another wave of bigfoot nightmares, but I was fine. And that's even with another aggravating factor arriving unexpectedly last week.
The new computer game I've been playing in rationed chunks (no more than an hour a day), Westward, had a "disaster quest" that plopped my hero down in a Western desert and scrub woodland landscape with three gunslingers and told her she had to round up three dangerous wild animals to holding pens without killing them or being killed: a bighorn sheep, a grizzly bear, and a sasquatch. It took me five restarts to succeed. The gunslingers were no help at all, I had to squirrel them away in a side canyon because every time they laid eyes on one of the critters, they whipped out rifles and began firing until the animals were dead. (Realistic enough, I suppose.) I had to get right behind the beasts until they wheeled on me, then run like hell across the entire fucking map until I, hopefully, zipped through the holding pen ahead of them and the gate swung shut. The sasquatch, however, was able to keep up with me and I had to keep circling back around and galloping through the pen again. I was sweaty and short of breath, sitting here in my chair, by the time I finished this quest. My reward was being given sheep for my ranches.
There's a sort of Easter Egg with this game where, if you build ten flowerboxes for your little town, you can then build beehives, and if you build three beehives, you get honey for your general store PLUS a grizzly bear shows up to join your team of gunslingers and deputies. The grizzly bear does major damage on bandits, but will not go to every level with you. Apparently if you play the Sandbox version of the game (which I've not done yet), you can acquire your own sasquatch who will also be a companion on adventures. Might be therapeutic for me, ya think?
I also watched a mini-documentary titled Betrayal at Little Big Horn which was poorly done. Much less information in it than, say, Evan S. Connell's book Son of the Morning Star. Mostly it was tubby white men obsessing about ways Custer could have not died, which holds no interest for me at all. Custer fucking deserved to die, preferably before Little Washita. Here's a thought for you: How come the genocidal war on the Plains Indians was carried out by the same heroes who supposedly fought the Civil War to free black people from slavery?
If you're going to make documentaries about events for which descendants from both sides are still alive, you better interview experts from both sides equally. At least Evan S. Connell made an effort. For both Little Big Horn and the Alamo, we should be reading the accounts of the folks who whupped our asses instead of the excuse-makers, ¿claro?
Four nights ago as I was working I was hearing a strange sibilant sound I couldn't place. I kept pulling off my headphones to listen, and accusing Dinah of mischief. It took me half an hour to identify it as rain. It's been that long since it rained here. It rained two or three times since, though not nearly enough to rescue this season's wildflowers or, more significantly, farmers. The same week PRick Perry, our leftover Governor from the Bush era, announced he was rejecting half a billion dollars in stimulus funds for unemployment. I was so angry I had to stop thinking about it. I earnestly hope this is political suicide for him, that no Texan forgets this single act -- because it will affect every Texan in the state in a decidedly negative way.
For the past two weeks, I've had more work available at my online job, which will mean a little more money in three weeks (though not enough to cover what's coming down the pike, but hey, every little bit helps), and my energy has been focused there ahead of writing. Well, work first, basic quality of life second, then either writing or play and this week play has won out. Which also includes reading a couple of used mysteries I'd not picked up before, by Laurie R. King and Martha Grimes. I'm a major reader of mysteries whose form is, essentially, that of the novel. Here's my favorite mystery writers, not in order: Martha Grimes, Laurie R. King, Nevada Barr, Dorothy Sayers, Ngaio Marsh, Rex Stout, Mary Roberts Rinehart, Sara Paretsky, Ruth Rendell, P.D. James, Elizabeth George, Ellis Peters, Tony Hillerman, Frances and Richard Lockridge, Per Wahlöö and Maj Sjöwall, Elizabeth Peters, Carolyn Heilbrun/Amanda Cross, Patricia Cornwell, Janet Evanovich, Marcia Muller, Josephine Tey, Elmore Leonard, and of course Patricia Highsmith, a distant relative of mine.
Seguing from writing back to Weeds: I can easily see why this series keeps accumulating Emmys and Golden Globes. It's got extremely good writing and plotting, stellar performances, and it addresses, in a comprehensive but not always obvious fashion, the major American cultural trait of addiction. The imaginary suburb in which it is set, Agrestic, is full of addicts because the very definition of suburbs lends itself to addiction, a means of escaping reality, emotion, the messy demands of human connection.
Not that these characters' lives aren't messy. It's one poor decision after another in this series. But believable, in-character self-destruction, often with humor and empathy elicited despite the unsavory aspects of their personalities fully evident. That's great writing and acting for you.
I appreciated how interwoven examinations of race and class are integral to the plot. I wish the same were true of gender, but the cast is male-heavy and male-worshipping, and the writers are clearly either male or of the "post-feminist" female headset ("We don't have to think about real equality because it just makes us boring to the boys.) Except for the lead, Mary-Louise Parker, the stunning Tonye Patano, and intermittently Elizabeth Perkins (mostly by dint of her break-through acting), the girls and women in Agrestic are mostly foils for male fantasy and utility.
Children are pushed into addiction early, with either no adult attention available or it arriving through seriously fucked-up filters (Uncle Andy the woman-hater should be kept miles away from any boy you care about). They are encouraged to be fixated on possessions, status, violence, sugar, caffeine, heteronormativity, stimulation, and sex without intimacy -- in other words, prepared for adulthood in Agrestic. Pot becomes a way of "mellowing out" from the jagged highs of the other addictions.
Anne Wilson Schaef's writings, popular among those who attend 12-step programs, repeatedly urge us to view America as an owning class, addicted empire, where even if you are neither owning class nor a substance abuser, in terms of your relationship to the rest of the globe you need to be in active recovery or else you are in denial. Addiction is how we fueled our conquest of the continent. Meriwether Lewis and William Clark very deliberately ensured they had enough daily rations of alcohol to give their "Corps of Discovery" until they were past the point of turning back -- because without liquor to blur the boundaries, you cannot reliably persuade human beings to do the work of empire. Similarly, last century's British polar explorers might run out of fuel or ascorbic acid, but they made sure they had rations of alcohol and chocolate to the bitter end.
While Weeds' take on the lives of its African-American characters is not completely spot-on, it offers far more complicated and interesting roles than almost anything else on TV. Heylia James voices bitter commentary but not Magical Negro wisdom, because her own flaws are evident. (Although her line "White people get soda pop, n*****s get bullets" is one of the great analyses of all time.)
The sex in Weeds is unremittingly pornified. So much so that I began to wonder if it was not a subtle statement on the use of sex as avoidance but instead, perhaps, the writers couldn't imagine "hot" sex without a pornographic overlay. (You know, pornography is to good sex as McDonald's is to good food.) It quickly palled for me and I began fast-forwarding through those parts, the only places where I wasn't riveted on the characters' acting.
I also was distracted by the enormous sums of money these characters had at their disposal. I have no way of knowing how accurately this reflects a 2005-ish suburban California lifestyle, but I have grave suspicions. I remember after the remade Father of the Bride movie came out (the one with Steve Martin and Diane Keaton), some major magazine did an analysis of how distorted the class messages were in this film, one of whose plot points was the "humor" of a father being talked into spending extravagantly on his daughter's wedding. The father supposedly owned a running shoe factory. The magazine article pointed out that the set for the kitchen in the home of this character contained items whose net value ran into the hundreds of thousands and would mean, if the rest of the house followed its example, that his home was worth exponentially more than his alleged small business. It was beyond product placement, it's the Hollywood subliminal "this is what successful REAL people own" that is a major class lie.
The larger point, though, is that good writing and good art should generate these kinds of questions within us. Raise the energy (to quote Sharon Bridgforth) and engage the dormant parts of our brains. And with that, I'll leave you to hopefully create some of my own examples. Dinah is now here and requests a game before I open the Ginny Bates file. She says her needs are not addiction, they are basic biological imperative.
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Labels: addiction, Dinah, food, Little Big Horn, Medieval Lives, mysteries, poverty, PRick Perry, sasquatch, Weeds, Westward
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
MORE FROM MAGGIELAND
(From one of my favorite sci-fi series of all time, the Chanur saga by C.J. Cherryh. The character on this cover is Pyanfar, captain of a merchanter which gets involved in political intrigue in a multispecies pocket of space; she is Hani, from a planet of matriarchal feline sentients, a brilliant hera.)
An update to my recent post, This Week in Maggieland:
Dinah is doing better. She began eating kitty treats if I crumbled them up and praised her as she did so. From that she moved on to dry kibble if I did ditto. Today she's eating kibble without persuasion, although she's still hitting me up for treats. (No fool, Dinah.)
I'm even more relieved at how she's back to chatting at me from various corners of the house, waiting for my reply, and accompanying me from room to room. She's still thin, though gaining it back -- she's always been slender and not focused on food. I keep her kibble out all the time. She never had a period of hunger in her life, and that makes the difference. When I've had cats who spent any amount of time in the streets, they have been prone to eating everything in the bowl, whether they're hungry or not. Then puking it up if they were already full. I guess once that fear settles into their bones, it doesn't dislodge easily.
I made a deal with Dinah a couple of days ago: I told her I would pet her as much as she wanted, in the way she liked, if she'd keep coming to me for contact instead of hiding away. I don't actually think she understood me, at least not linguistically. Dinah's vocabulary is smaller than most cats I've lived with because she just doesn't care about communicating on my level. She is Feline to the core. Alice had the largest animal vocabulary I've ever witnessed, comprehension of words that honestly I think went beyond inflection. Dinah chooses to comprehend "No", "Treat", her name, and "e-mail", as in when I say "I should check my e-mail", whereupon she rises and heads for her perch beside my computer.
But my promise was backed up by behavior, and she's responded enthusiastically. She doesn't want to be touching me when I pet her, unless there's a comforter or two between us. She likes to be at arm's reach, so I cannot possibly grab her and hug her or (even more icky) kiss her. Even then, she will periodically jerk away and/or swing around to take a nip at my hand. So petting her is tiring on my arm and not very emotionally gratifying: It's clearly me being of service, not a shared pleasure. She almost never purrs. Still, now that I made my vow, she's coming four and five times a day to allow me to stroke her back and occasionally rub her ears (where the risk of being bitten is highest) until she wears out.
It's worth it. It really is.
Someone suggested she ate a bug that had been killed by pesticides and it made her sick. The thing is, she doesn't eat bugs. She kills them, or disables them, but leaves them for me to clean up. Maybe she tangled with a venomous spider and got bitten, that seems possible. Or maybe it is little gator's cat Lydia, who has been sacrificing catnip mice to Bast on Dinah's behalf, that turned the tide.
I try to find some sort of meaning in the reality that at this point in my life, when my ability (and incentive) to connect with other forms of life is at its apex, I am living with a cat who is stand-offish. I'm glad to have her, as she is. (I have enormous respect for the Catness of cats.) And I'm glad she has me. She would not last long Out There. I do find it ironic, however. And if it's another goddamned life lesson, well, can I please just drop out of school for a while?
-----------------------------------------------
Liza asked a great question in reply to my post. She said "I'm more concerned about you and your loss when Diana chases the great catnip in the sky.
Other than Jesse's subscriptions, what do you need from us? Not a kitten, I imagine.
'Cause we need you. Love, Liza."
First of all, Dinah wants to point out you misspelled her name, u humin mowron u. That's from her, not me.
Second, well, part of what I needed is in the message above: To know that I'm needed. That I haven't vanished from the web of humanity because of this isolation. That I make a difference.
A couple of other requests come to mind -- aside from the subscriptions. (Money may not be able to buy happiness but it does buy health and peace of mind.)
The place where I've reached in my novel (Ginny Bates) is really tough, ya'll. I'm writing under duress. I don't want things to be going the way they are, but my characters insist I cannot play deux ex machina here and "fix" things. I'm heartbroken and trying to do right by them all. I wonder if you readers are mad at me for the plot turn, or disheartened and not reading at all. I could use some feedback. Especially if it includes love for my characters, who sincerely feel separate from me.
Also -- I've noticed several folks appear to be reading Skene as well. Feedback there would also be nice to get, though I'm not as emotionally invested in those characters.
The other thing is that I feel backed up, emotionally, from worry and stress. But when I talk about what's going on in my life, I mean openly without any censorship, well, folks who love me have a hard time hearing it. I understand worrying about me -- I'm worried, too. Still, I could use some space to cry, freak out, just be a mess without then having to hear you give advice, problem-solve, or reassure me. I can reach reassurance if I can simply get the feelings out of my way. I'm smart and competent, and I'll accept (or ask) for help when I need it. But lots of time, all I need is to get my brain back in gear.
For instance, my young friend who died this week -- she was found by another poet I know with her asthma inhaler in one hand and her cell phone in the other. The call to 911 had not finished being dialed. She was a mother of a little boy, and if you're a parent, you know this is your worst nightmare, dying and leaving your kid on their own. Especially lesbian mothers. I can hardly bear this happening to her and her son. I don't know where to take those feelings.
And how could she have an attack so rapid that she couldn't call for help? She would have, I know she would have if she could. You can see where it might hit me where I live. Literally.
I know few people can actually offer this kind of listening, especially when it involves hearing about poverty, physical pain, and loss. Still, I thought I'd put it out there. It's the worst part of the isolation, the feeling I have that I can't tell the whole truth because people can't stand to hear it. (True for all of us, I'm sure.)
Okay, that's as much update as I can handle at the moment. Time to go lie down and avoid the network news. Thanks for being out there.
P.S. Speaking of animal communication, there's a wonderful essay by J.R. Carpenter up at Geist called "Words Dogs Know" -- check it out.
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Labels: Dinah, perrsonal update
Sunday, February 22, 2009
THIS WEEK IN MAGGIELAND
(Dinah on the OED over my desk, May 2005)
Here's the roots: I had Rusk, the original cat of cats, for 17 years. A red Abyssinian, he was the constant for all of my young adulthood, moving to California with me and back again. When he became ill at the end of his life, in what was eventually diagnosed as diabetes, I was not in a stable emotional place anyhow and the idea of losing him was unthinkable. So when he stopped eating (as cats often will when they are seriously ill or terminal), I persuaded the vet to teach me how to force-feed him.
He died anyhow, badly, but with never a loss of patience for how I tried to cling to him. It was a devastating lesson.
At that time, I had a second cat, Bella, who had belonged to my mother for 11 years and was taken in by me when Mama died. She had multiple health problems and never emotionally rebounded from Mama's death, although she did become attached to me after a while. When Bella was 16, not long after Rusk died, a kitten adopted me in the parking lot of my apartment complex. This was Alice, the ultimate Cat of Cats, a brilliant Manx who did everything she could to communicate across the species barrier. She became the great love of my life.
(Alice 1997)
Bella did not care for the kitten, but then, Bella didn't like most living things. She was old and in pain, and Alice simply stayed away from her. Every time Bella became seriously ill, I'd haul her to the vet, we'd patch her up, and she resumed her cranky existence. She found some pleasure out of life, it was clear. Until the end, when she manifestly gave up. By this time, I'd learned to listen to the cues. I took her in to the vet. She didn't have a vigorous enough vein for them to inject her with the euthanasia, so I held her in my arms, comforting her, as they injected it directly into her chest. I felt her die -- peacefully, but it's still a horrible thing.
Alice really hated it when I was away from her, as I was eight hours a day, so for her first birthday I gave her a kitten, another Manx named Susan Gilbert. They immediately bonded in a way I've not seen other cats do. It was like one brain and two cats sometimes. The problem was that as Susan matured, she manifested a problem common to Manxes (why they should not be bred, in my opinion), gastrointestinal tract malfunction. This can run to either chronic diarrhea or chronic constipation. It was the latter in Susan's instance. No matter what I fed her, no matter who much Petromalt and other elixirs I gave her, several times a year I had to take her in to the vet to have a fecal impaction removed. She lived for five years, but finally she required major surgery, during which she died.
Alice was heartbroken, looked for her several times a day for weeks, calling the little chirrup they used to talk with each other. I let it be known I was in the market for a second cat, and was persuaded to take the grown, nearly blind Siamese mix of a family member, Nando. He was easily terrified and not especially bright, but I thought he'd become palatable to Alice in time since she was so very alpha. However, he lost weight steadily and six weeks after I got him, a trip to the vet revealed he had FIP. Probably had had it for months. He was too far gone to save.
I held him, too, as he was put down. I then had Alice tested, in a panic, and we discovered she had not contracted it. I cleaned my house top to bottom and waited a few months before locating another kitten, another male named Oliver.
This time it clicked for Alice. Not like Susan, of course, but she was maternal by this time and Oliver loved to play with her. In fact, he regarded her as the only companion he really needed. I was just the one who provided food and competed with him for Alice's attention.
(Alice and Oliver, March 2001)
During these Alice years, here's what else occurred in my life: Three friends with whom I had once been very close (one of them my former best friends) committed suicide without warning. Another friend, my oldest friend in San Francisco, died of cancer. My beloved Aunt Sarah and Aunt Lee died. My father's third wife died. I became progressively disabled, started living in terrific pain and limitation. I lost two jobs, in both instances being fired for disability (but they found a legal loophole around it -- this was George Bush's Texas). One job even tried to deny me unemployment, but with the help of a great feminist lawyer, I fought that all the way to a hearing of the Unemployment Commission, two out of three members of which were Republicans, and won. My friendship circle began shrinking. I went through a nasty break-up. I began living without any kind of safety net except I did still have health insurance. One of my close friends went crazy and I moved heaven and earth to get her through it without being institutionalized (successfully). I finally had my knee replaced, suffered anoxia during the surgery, and went through a year of trying to regain full cognitive function -- while unemployed and unable to look for new work. During that time, my little brother Bill died in a devastating manner.
Less than three months after his death, I came home one day from a brand new job to discover Alice lying on the floor by the front door. I rushed her to the vet, where she was diagnosed at first with diabetes, which was changed to unexplained kidney failure. She hated the hospital, freaked at being left there by me, but I had no choice. I went by every day before and after work, holding her for an hour, singing to her, convincing her to eat. She seemed to be doing better. The third day, I arrived after work to find she had gone into convulsions half an hour earlier and died.
An old friend in California told me, on hearing this news, that she was afraid for me, afraid I couldn't take any more. I was afraid, too. Oliver wouldn't have anything to do with me: I'd taken Alice out of the house and she had never returned. He eventually went to live with a friend whom he preferred to me.
A month after Alice died, I did something I never had before: I got a replacement cat for myself. I went through a feral cat network here in Austin and brought home a kitten of a captured feral mother. Dinah was six weeks old and despite socialization from birth, she's remained not especially fond of human contact. She and I are very bonded, however, since I've chosen to meet her on her terms.
For months at a time, she is the only other living thing I see or have interaction with.
So now, this week, she's been ill, refusing to eat, hiding from me in places I cannot reach. I myself had a back injury that kept me in bed an entire day, and it was only at the end of that time I realized she hadn't been coming around asking to play the way she usually does. It took me over an hour to find her, and even then, she would not come to me. I couldn't sleep; I kept imagining finding her dead.
I didn't have the money to get help for her. I don't have a car or a way to take her to the vet, and the person who does errands for me was unavailable.
Finally, the second day, I called a friend who said "I'll pay for an exam." By the next morning, however, Dinah had started eating a little. (She's always refused to eat anything but dry kibble, won't touch wet food or people food, which is a real problem at times like this.) More importantly, she's back to seeking my company, asking to play, letting me pet her a while before she recoils or tries to bite me. But she's not eating enough, and I'm not sure what to do. Taking her to the vet will traumatize her -- she hates other people, hates being in the car, hates contact. I mean, HATES it, more than any cat I've ever known. And I'll have to hand her over to a stranger for the trip.
I keep having thoughts that I don't deserve to have a cat any more. I'm too disabled, I'm too isolated and poor. I'm likely to wind up in a nursing home anyhow, maybe this is the Universe's way of telling me it's time. I try to argue with these messages, but they hit when I lie down to sleep.
During the last few days, as I cope with this and try to think it through, here's what else occurred:I ran out of my asthma inhaler and the replacement got lost in the mail, so I eventually had to order an emergency one at a local pharmacy and pay someone to deliver it, cleaning out my bank account
I have new physical problems that make me less able to get around than ever
I have major issues regarding the aftermath of my father's death which require urgent attention (during daylight hours, when I usually sleep)
The novel I've been writing for two years has reached the most difficult, emotionally draining section and
I got a call telling me that another old friend, someone not yet 40 years old, had died in California of an asthma attack.
So, that's what's up with me at the moment. I'll sort it out and survive it all, I always do. But I thought I'd take the unusual step of letting the readers of this blog know the backstage events on a current-time basis.
(Dinah as a kitten, November 2001)
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Maggie Jochild
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